Lagoon!

This is my favorite! Ava and Alex on the Tilt a Wirl. I think we went on this one like 5 times!

Cassidy, Alex and Ava! Aren't they the cutes friends!

More Tilt a Wirl fun!

Ava and Alex

Ava laughing on one of the rides! Isn't she too cute?

Love how big her smile is! We were seriously laughing so hard!

Ava playing in the fountain :)
I took Ava to Lagoon today, and I must admit I was pleasantly surprised!  I wasn't all that excited about going.  I haven't been to Lagoon since I was 12 so I had no idea what to expect at all.  There were so many fun rides that Ava could go on and she absolutely loved it!  She is quite the little dare devil and loved the "fast" rides.  When we met up with our friends Mandi and Alex she only wanted to go on rides with Alex and not me!  I was a little nervous watching her on some of the rides without me being right beside her.  Mandi and I also did the catapult and it was SO MUCH FUN!  We paid for the video but when I went back to get it they had lost it.  They refunded our money, but I was so sad to not get to see the video:(  I love the pictures of Ava on the rides, she would just laugh her head off.  I loved seeing her so happy!

I am taking it back.....

Everyone always says "time heals all wounds",  I even just said it on my blog about two months ago.  But, the last two weeks have changed my mind on this.  I don't believe that time HEALS anything.  I think it gives us the chance to change our perspective, to change our plans, to change our selves, or to replace what has been lost.  It is more like an anesthetic, it numbs the pain, rather than completely healing.  I don't know exactly how people heal from the heart brake we all encounter through this life.  I really have NO IDEA.  I think it is just a process that we all have to endure and that we have to give ourselves time to heal ourselves.  Time doesn't do the healing, we do it ourselves.  I thought I was doing a good job at getting better, and I really was.  I was happy, smiling, singing in the car again, and I was just feeling great.  But the last few weeks it has all hit my like a truck again.  It makes me feel so stupid that I feel this way, but I do.  The pain in my chest has made its presence fully known and I feel, once again, like I am drowning in it again.  I have officially lost all faith that time will heal me.  

Kind of Random, but I liked it!

There is no hiding what you are. Day you try, is the day you die. Stand tall, smile bright, and let em wonder what secret's making you laugh.

Chuck E Cheese

Ava has been asking for weeks and weeks for me to take her to Chuck E Cheese. So last Friday I took her and I must admit that it was actually pretty fun. I love this picture of us too! I miss her so much, and can't wait until Saturday morning when I get to pick her up and love on her :) This trip has been high anxiety for me and I just can't wait to know that she is home safe and sound.

CHER! CHER! CHER!

This weekend was so much fun!!!! I went to Vegas to see Cher.  This may seem a little strange to some, but seriously I LOVE CHER!!!!  Everything about her, her music, her sass, her crazy half way naked clothes and even crazier wigs.  I just love it.  She is the definition of Diva, at least in my book.  I was planning to do Vegas in style all by myself, but I was lucky enough to have Sharon join me!  We had so much fun.  My Dad put us up in an awesome suite at the Venetian, nicest hotel room I have ever stayed in!  We ate yummy food, played a little Roulette, ate more food, laid by the pool, watched a really good movie (I think it was called 12 Rounds, you should see it, it was a good flick), shopped, and of course saw Cher!!!!!!  All I can say is that it did not disappoint!  She came down from the very top of the Colosseum decked out in sparkly, shiny, gold, spectacular gaudiness from head to toe!  I loved it!  Her show was none stop and she wore a different out fit for every single song.  My words could never do it justice, really.  This may sound dramatic, but it was really a dream come true for me to see Cher.  Years ago when she did her "last show"  I was so sad that I would never get to see her, so when I heard she was in Vegas I just had to go.  Did I mention that I loved it?!?!?!


As we were walking through the airport to come home last night I kept doing my version of the skip walk Cher did at the concert, and I seriously do it just as good as she does, Sharon was busting up! She said "I have been waiting for Julie to come to Vegas all weekend, and now she shows up right when we were leaving!" It was pretty funny. I guess I was being a little quieter than my usual self. But it was so great to get away from "life" for a few days. And did I mention that I LOVE CHER?!?!?!

Fun! Fun! Fun!

It has been so great to have some time off!  I have enjoyed being home with my girl, and I think she is enjoying it as well.  I bought her a new bike last week and she was thrilled!  She has spent tons of time playing outside with her bike and her friends!  I am also happy to announce that I got a 99% on the final that cause me so much stress!  WOO HOO!!!! So happy that turned out well. Not all of my grades for the semester have been posted but as of right now I have a 3.49 GPA, which I will not complain about :)  Life is Good!

My Mother.....

I should have done this last night, but by the time we got home from a long day I had completely lost my mojo to do anything but lay on the couch. So I am wishing my Mother a late Happy Mothers Day! There is no body in the world quite like a Mother. She is my safe place in the world, the place I think of running to first when I need comfort and reassurance. There is nothing in this world that makes me feel better than I hug from her. She know just they way I like them, and she never pulls away first :) I don't think I ever fully appreciated my Mom until I was about to become one. It was then that I realized that she didn't know everything and that she wasn't perfect, but that her love for me was perfect and that is what made her the best Mom she could possibly be. Perfect, unconditional, eternal love. I have so many wonderful memories of my Mom. I remember her rocking me in the rocking chair in the very front room of the first house we lived in. She was the best Mom to have at bedtime. We had this long list of different kinds of kisses we would do every night and she would always sing me the most beautiful lullaby. I do some of those same kisses with Ava every night and we love it. The day before Ava was born we spent the whole day together, just hanging out and getting the last minute stuff ready. I was so scared that day, but having her there gave me the reassurance that everything would be all right, cause she was there and she would protect me. I knew that if she was there I could handle everything and that when the time came for me to break down she would hold me, and she did. I don't think I could have made it through that first week of being a Mother without her. She left me as prepared as I could have been, she even stocked my cupboards before she left. The most valuable thing my Mother has taught me is to never give up on people. She never ever gave up on me, even when she though I was a hopeless case. She never stopped loving me and when the time came she rescued. She new when the time was right and she was ready and waiting. She was the light that came to me in my darkest hour. She didn't judge me or tell me how stupid I had been, she just helped me get out, no questions asked. I spent a lot of time at her little house in Syracuse when I first moved here and I will cherish that time forever. I could not have asked for anyone better to leave my tiny new baby with than my Mom. When I came home from work everyday Ava was happy and smiling. I will never be able to repay my Mom for everything she has sacrificed and given to me. All I can do is promise to pay it forward with my own daughter (and hopefully future children). She has shown me just how to do it, and when things are getting crazy I try and put myself in her shoes and do things the way she would. I love you Mom!

Grandma Clark

What an amazing woman! Seriously, I don't think that there is anyone quite as amazing as my Grandma Clark. I will forever be inspired by her optimism and simple joy she had for life. I loved going to my Grandma's house to visit every summer. The drive to Utah felt like it took days! I loved when we would finally pull into her driveway and then run inside to hug and kiss her. Hugs were unlimited from her, which is a definite plus for me. I grew up in California, so we grew up far from family. But, there was one amazing year that my Grandparents came to live in Corcoran. I loved riding my bike to there apartment for a visit. She was a wonderful cook and I loved having Sunday dinner every week when they lived close by.I remember one summer day when I was probably 19 or 20 laying on her bed talking to her about some of the decisions I was making. I remember her just telling me do the right thing and I would be happy. It was as simple as that, do that right thing. I could see the look of sadness in her eyes because she new I wasn't planning to do the right thing, because at that phase in my life I would have never admitted to not knowing everything and doing the wrong thing felt so much easier than changing my life. I should have taken her advice that day, it would have saved me more heartache than I will probably ever know. My Grandma died this past November, and in death she taught me an invaluable lesson. I learned to never take the people we love for granted. I have lived in Utah for four years now and I wish with all my heart that I would have visited her more in that time. I think we all tend to get wrapped up in the busyness of life, and most of what we are busy with are not the most important things. She is gone now, and I can't just get in the car and drive up for an afternoon visit. I wish I would have done that more! Luckily for me, we have the blessing of being an eternal family, so one day, if I play my cards right, I will have the chance for more afternoon visits with her.

Grandma Harris....

Sunday is Mother's Day so I thought it would be fun to pay tribute to the wonderful women I have had in my life. I want to start with my sweet Grandma Harris. There never has been or ever will be another person like her in the world. I have many special memories of my sweet Grandma. I remember the long skirts she used to wear, the way should would always get down on the floor and play games with me for as long as I wanted, the tea parties she used to have for me and my cousins, her spunk, and mostly the love she had for me. My Grandma taught me one of the most valuable lesson in the world, and she probably doesn't even know it. My Grandma died almost exactly one month before Ava was born. We knew her time was limited so my Mom flew me out to Utah so I could say goodbye. We didn't think she would make it through the night so when my flight landed we went straight to the hospital. It was so overwhelming to walk into that hospital room and see her laying there looking so small and fragile in that big hospital bed. Well, she didn't die that night, she actually hung on for the rest of the week! But during that week my heart began to change. It was sitting there in that hospital room surrounded by my family that I realized how important all of those people were to me. I realized how important family is to me. It is hard to describe in words the feelings that I felt, but it was sitting there in that room that I really started to know what I had to for the baby girl that would soon be entering my world. I knew that I wanted her to grow up surrounded by the love that I felt in that room. I knew that she needed to grow up with knowing her family and that my best chance at giving her a family would be to move to Utah. I fought that feeling for some time, but eventually I mustered up the courage to do it. So, my Grandma's most valuable lesson to me was the importance of family. The importance of being here for each other, no matter the choices we make. The last time I really saw my Grandma, before she was dying, she took both of my shoulders in her hands, and with tears in her eyes, told me I needed to come home and let my family help me. I will never forget that! It is my belief that she and Ava spent one precious month together and that my Grandma told her to bring me home. I think a little of her spunk must have rubbed off on Ava. I miss my Grandma Harris so much! She was an amazing, beautiful women for which I feel lucky to have known.

This......

is what I wish we could do tomorrow.......

I am almost done with the semester!!! This week has been exhausting and stressful to say the least. Since Sunday I have written 3 papers, taken 4 exams, read way too much material to make sense of, and all with limited sleep, because when I sleep I dream about finding sources to back up my opinions and rehearse material have been studying. All I can say is, is that kind of sleep is not very restful. I had what I thought was going to be my easy final this morning. I read over the simple study guide my professor posted and basically it was if you have completed all the assignments you should have no problems on the exam. Piece of cake, because I was very diligent in completing every last one of those monotonous assignments! I arrived at the testing center a little early took one quick over the main point highlighted in my notes and with confidence began the test....

This is where things started to get a little out of control. I quickly cruised through the multiple choice and true false question with out any problems. Then there was a place on the test for a key with a hypothesis of what I was supposed to be analyzing and there was no information to analyze. No graph. No chart. No scatterplot. NOTHING! I looked through the rest of the test to find the same results, nothing to analyze! I was sitting there feeling a little like this......

except in a quiet, hot and stuffy room with about 15 other people. I seriously wanted to just start crying. All I could think was, what the crap is happening right now. Did I miss something really important on the study guide that said I needed to memorize the number of women who are against abortion, and how many women were polled, and the list can go on and on. All I could of was how I was going to lose my A grade in this class and that all the house of analyzing those stupid graphs would be worthless if I did not get and A in this class. I wanted to go ask the proctor if there was a possibility that she neglected to give me part of the test, but when I went in she told me that if I left the room I was done with the test. I was seriously starting to sweat. Then the proctor came in and I waved her over, she took me out with her but she had no help for me. The test was what she had, and that was all she could do for me. I was pissed, to say the least. I went back in and just started filling in answers from what I could remember from doing the assignments, literally fighting back tears the whole time. I felt so silly for feeling so emotional over a grade, but I don't want to just jump through hoops and end with a C average, I want A's. 

Luckily about 5 long minutes of suffering the proctor came back for me. What she said was music to my ears! She had just received an email that there were problems with the test. YES! I then talked to the guy from the main campus testing center and tried to communicate exactly what the problems were, he then called my professor and we got the problem solved. It took about 30 minutes of waiting, but I got the right test! After that is was a literal breeze! But seriously I was freaking out! When I got to my car all I could do was sit there and cry. Everything that I have been carrying around me just came out and I cried.

I cried because it was over!

I cried because I am now one step closer to being done. Done with this crazy semester and done with school.

I cried because I am one step closer to being the person I want my Ava to know

I cried because everyday when she wakes up Ava asks if we can just stay home together

I cried because I am lonely and feel like that part of my life is never going to end

I cried because I question whether or not I can really do this, and because I am afraid of failing

I cried because I wished that I could finish me last final, come home and back my bags and go to Hawaii again

I cried because I know I have to let that dream go, and doing that hurts like hell

I cried because I don't want to feel so broken anymore 

I cried because on Tuesday morning Ava told me she was proud of me and that i was the best Mom and she loved me, and that makes all of the crap I have to deal with worth it!

I cried because I just need a hug from my Mom because nothing makes me feel better than her hugs when I feel the way I do now

Craziness......

I think these pictures pretty much sum up the way I feel today, and yesterday and will feel tomorrow and pretty much everyday this week. Finals week!!!! Pray for me people and hopefully all will be said and done by Friday afternoon at 2........


One last thought....... my arms look giant in these pictures!

Say That You'll Stay Forever This Way.......

I my how I love this girl!  She is so beautiful, spunky, smart and basically fabulous.  I love every thing about her. An update on all her cuteness is LONG over due.  Ava's personality is blossoming with every passing day and I am always in awe of her. Just a few things that she is up to these days:

Ava is still very into her "crafts".  She will seriously entertain herself for hours drawing pictures, cutting, pasting, stapling,  and trying to write words.  She will ask me "Mom how do you spell.....?"  Then instead of trying to spell full on sentences I will just write it on a separate paper and she does her best to copy.  She is actually pretty good at it too!  Here she is drawing cereal one morning......

She still loves to sing, but will sing the same part of song over and over again!  She changes her voice to match songs too and it seriously cracks me up!  Next time you see her ask her to sing I like it I love it and you will not be disappointed!  A few of her favorite songs right now are Mamma Mia, Poker Face, Love Song, and So What.  I love to watch her sing and dance, it is a daily part of my entertainment!  Here she is with my Dad after entertaining all the people in his office with her singing and story telling.....

Sharon promised Ava a day of kite flying in Midway at her condo and boy was she a treat that day!  We bough a Barbie kite at Wal Mart and for the most part she had a great time flying it.  She didn't want it to be too high in the sky and was worried that she would float off with it.  My favorite part of kite flying with Ava was right when she got her hands on the handle she took off running, even though the kite was all ready in the sky. It was awesome and I was so sad that I didn't catch it on video.  Here are her and Sharon flying the kite......



Ava is also sleeping in her very own bed! This is an accomplishment for both of us......


She has also gotten really good at doing puzzles all by herself. Some times she gets stuck and all I have to do is remind her to match up the colors or to remember and start with edges. She is always very proud when she finally gets it all put together......

She never ceases to amaze me! Everyday I thank my lucky stars for the gift she has been to my life. Life is so busy and I know that this phase of our life won't last for long. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was anticipating seeing her face and now she is here and growing up so fast!

Happy Birthday Cooper!

Five years ago today my nephew Cooper was born.  I find it so strange that I can remember exactly what I was doing the night he was born, even down to the shoes I was wearing!  We were all so excited to welcome him into the world, and especially to welcome the first boy into the Clark side of our family.  I wasn't able to make it to Utah for Coopers birth, but was able to get here a few days later.  I was about three months pregnant with Ava when Cooper was born and I remember the feat that filled me the first time I help little Cooper.  I remember sitting there thinking all to soon I would have my own little baby.  I think that was the first time in my life holding a baby ever terrified me.  

Here are a few things that I love the most about Cooper:

1.  Definitely his beautiful blue eyes and his long eye lashes.  I love that he knows just how to bat those eye lashes for the ladies!

2.  His hugs, even though I have to beg for them now, Cooper is gives the best squeezes!

3.  The sneeky little smile he has when you know he is up to no good

4.  His strength.  Cooper is one strong boy, physically strong and strong willed. 

5.  He is Ava's best friend and for this I am most thankful

Here a few of Ava's favorite things about Cooper:

1. He is nice

2. I likes riding bikes with him, jumping on the tramp and finding rolly pollies with him.

On my mind.....

I haven't really shared any deep thoughts on my blog lately so I figured today might be a good day to share just a bit of what is occupying my thoughts the last few days. This semester I took a class about anger reduction and forgiveness. I don't want to sound dramatic but I think that the concepts I have learned and the soul searching they have required me to do have changed the way I look at my life. REALLY! Just one little tid bit of what I have learned is to view forgiveness as the process of letting go of personal hurt and anger. Approaching forgiveness in this light has really been beneficial for me, especially lately because i have had more than my fair share of hurt and anger to let go of! I have to write a paper during this next week about my personal journey with forgiveness through out the semester. I have been feeling a little puzzled as to where to even begin. I feel like I have been working on finding forgiveness in so many aspects that I can't even begin to do it all justice. But most of all I don't even know how to verbalize the change that has happened in me by letting go of my hurt and anger. How can I even do it justice with words?
I have never really felt like I am an angry person, but I am. I just stuff it all down inside and never let go. I just hide it inside of me, but the last few months it has really been coming out in me. It has been freeing, and I literally feel like learning how to feel it and how to let it go has lifted a weight from my soul. In one my sessions with my therapist we discussed "letting go" and what it involves.  He told me about a method used to capture Monkeys where a banana is placed on the other side of a hole.  The monkey can easily fit its hand inside the hole to grab the banana but can't pull its hand out while holding on to the banana.  Monkeys will usually not let go of the banana, making them easy to catch.  For some reason this really struck a cord at me. I have been holding on to way too many "banana's"  to move any where.  I would like to say that I have let all of them go, but that would be a lie.  But I have begun to let go of many of them and while it has been scary it has also been very life changing.  I am finding a new strength I never new I had. 

 I think my life has literally been dumped upside down in the last six months and I have learned so very many things! My relationships with so many people have been altered, some strengthened and some weakened. I have learned to speak up for myself a little more. I have learned to ask for help with different things, and that asking for help shows strength rather than weakness.  I have learned to forgive.  I have learned that letting go doesn't mean forgetting, and it doesn't make me a failure.  I have learned how to make friends and let people in.  I have learned to love myself a little bit more!  I have learned to love others more and try and see the world from their perspective. I have learned to re-evaluate what my original goals were and how to get back them.

While I am glad the semester is almost over because it has been more than I can handle, I would not change one second of it because it has given me the opportunity to become better in almost every aspect of my life!

Easter 2009

I just have to start by saying that I loved Easter this year! Ava was so excited this year. She had approximately five million questions about the Easter bunny most of which I just had to say "I really don't know sweetheart". She seemed content enough with that. It was interesting to think about all the random questions she was coming up with. Sharon and Brad came over for breakfast before church and then we went to Katie and Ryan's for a delicious Easter dinner. The kids had a blast coloring eggs on Saturday and had even more fun taking turns hiding them in the yard. The weather was beautiful! I feel so blessed to have so much and so many people to love and share this life with. Holidays are sometimes hard for me being alone with my girl. But this one was the easiest so far. There was a moment when she was unloading her basket so excitedly when I thought "I will be the only one to remember this moment," my heart hurt for a moment and then it was done. When she saw the purple peeps in her basket she said "oh look Mom sparkly purple birds I can eat!" It was so cute and gave me a good laugh. I love being Ava's Mom and creating these memories with her. She is an angel and my best friend!

The Ghost of Easters Past.....

I got a scanner for Christmas and decided it might be finally time to use it! So I dug through some old photos I have from my childhood and found some cute ones from Easter's past and thought they would be fun to post. I thought they were really cute. It was sweet to see how cute and young my Grandma clark is in them! And aren't me and Katie just adorable?

Pay it Forward

From my cousin, Kori's Blog and my sister Becca's blog...Here's how it goes:The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice--for you!  But I guess since I did it on two people's blog I will double up and do 10 people!  So first 10 people.........

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. I make NO guarantees that you will LIKE what I make! (I can only hope)

2. What I create will be just for you.

3. It WILL be done this year.

4. You have no CLUE what it’s going to be … it may be cards, a bookmark, something delicious or a complete surprise to you (and me!) … who knows?

5. Most importantly, you MUST offer the same deal on your blog - the first 5 people to comment on your blog get something made by YOU!