I am almost done with the semester!!! This week has been exhausting and stressful to say the least. Since Sunday I have written 3 papers, taken 4 exams, read way too much material to make sense of, and all with limited sleep, because when I sleep I dream about finding sources to back up my opinions and rehearse material have been studying. All I can say is, is that kind of sleep is not very restful. I had what I thought was going to be my easy final this morning. I read over the simple study guide my professor posted and basically it was if you have completed all the assignments you should have no problems on the exam. Piece of cake, because I was very diligent in completing every last one of those monotonous assignments! I arrived at the testing center a little early took one quick over the main point highlighted in my notes and with confidence began the test....

This is where things started to get a little out of control. I quickly cruised through the multiple choice and true false question with out any problems. Then there was a place on the test for a key with a hypothesis of what I was supposed to be analyzing and there was no information to analyze. No graph. No chart. No scatterplot. NOTHING! I looked through the rest of the test to find the same results, nothing to analyze! I was sitting there feeling a little like this......

except in a quiet, hot and stuffy room with about 15 other people. I seriously wanted to just start crying. All I could think was, what the crap is happening right now. Did I miss something really important on the study guide that said I needed to memorize the number of women who are against abortion, and how many women were polled, and the list can go on and on. All I could of was how I was going to lose my A grade in this class and that all the house of analyzing those stupid graphs would be worthless if I did not get and A in this class. I wanted to go ask the proctor if there was a possibility that she neglected to give me part of the test, but when I went in she told me that if I left the room I was done with the test. I was seriously starting to sweat. Then the proctor came in and I waved her over, she took me out with her but she had no help for me. The test was what she had, and that was all she could do for me. I was pissed, to say the least. I went back in and just started filling in answers from what I could remember from doing the assignments, literally fighting back tears the whole time. I felt so silly for feeling so emotional over a grade, but I don't want to just jump through hoops and end with a C average, I want A's. 

Luckily about 5 long minutes of suffering the proctor came back for me. What she said was music to my ears! She had just received an email that there were problems with the test. YES! I then talked to the guy from the main campus testing center and tried to communicate exactly what the problems were, he then called my professor and we got the problem solved. It took about 30 minutes of waiting, but I got the right test! After that is was a literal breeze! But seriously I was freaking out! When I got to my car all I could do was sit there and cry. Everything that I have been carrying around me just came out and I cried.

I cried because it was over!

I cried because I am now one step closer to being done. Done with this crazy semester and done with school.

I cried because I am one step closer to being the person I want my Ava to know

I cried because everyday when she wakes up Ava asks if we can just stay home together

I cried because I am lonely and feel like that part of my life is never going to end

I cried because I question whether or not I can really do this, and because I am afraid of failing

I cried because I wished that I could finish me last final, come home and back my bags and go to Hawaii again

I cried because I know I have to let that dream go, and doing that hurts like hell

I cried because I don't want to feel so broken anymore 

I cried because on Tuesday morning Ava told me she was proud of me and that i was the best Mom and she loved me, and that makes all of the crap I have to deal with worth it!

I cried because I just need a hug from my Mom because nothing makes me feel better than her hugs when I feel the way I do now

Craziness......

I think these pictures pretty much sum up the way I feel today, and yesterday and will feel tomorrow and pretty much everyday this week. Finals week!!!! Pray for me people and hopefully all will be said and done by Friday afternoon at 2........


One last thought....... my arms look giant in these pictures!

Say That You'll Stay Forever This Way.......

I my how I love this girl!  She is so beautiful, spunky, smart and basically fabulous.  I love every thing about her. An update on all her cuteness is LONG over due.  Ava's personality is blossoming with every passing day and I am always in awe of her. Just a few things that she is up to these days:

Ava is still very into her "crafts".  She will seriously entertain herself for hours drawing pictures, cutting, pasting, stapling,  and trying to write words.  She will ask me "Mom how do you spell.....?"  Then instead of trying to spell full on sentences I will just write it on a separate paper and she does her best to copy.  She is actually pretty good at it too!  Here she is drawing cereal one morning......

She still loves to sing, but will sing the same part of song over and over again!  She changes her voice to match songs too and it seriously cracks me up!  Next time you see her ask her to sing I like it I love it and you will not be disappointed!  A few of her favorite songs right now are Mamma Mia, Poker Face, Love Song, and So What.  I love to watch her sing and dance, it is a daily part of my entertainment!  Here she is with my Dad after entertaining all the people in his office with her singing and story telling.....

Sharon promised Ava a day of kite flying in Midway at her condo and boy was she a treat that day!  We bough a Barbie kite at Wal Mart and for the most part she had a great time flying it.  She didn't want it to be too high in the sky and was worried that she would float off with it.  My favorite part of kite flying with Ava was right when she got her hands on the handle she took off running, even though the kite was all ready in the sky. It was awesome and I was so sad that I didn't catch it on video.  Here are her and Sharon flying the kite......



Ava is also sleeping in her very own bed! This is an accomplishment for both of us......


She has also gotten really good at doing puzzles all by herself. Some times she gets stuck and all I have to do is remind her to match up the colors or to remember and start with edges. She is always very proud when she finally gets it all put together......

She never ceases to amaze me! Everyday I thank my lucky stars for the gift she has been to my life. Life is so busy and I know that this phase of our life won't last for long. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was anticipating seeing her face and now she is here and growing up so fast!

Happy Birthday Cooper!

Five years ago today my nephew Cooper was born.  I find it so strange that I can remember exactly what I was doing the night he was born, even down to the shoes I was wearing!  We were all so excited to welcome him into the world, and especially to welcome the first boy into the Clark side of our family.  I wasn't able to make it to Utah for Coopers birth, but was able to get here a few days later.  I was about three months pregnant with Ava when Cooper was born and I remember the feat that filled me the first time I help little Cooper.  I remember sitting there thinking all to soon I would have my own little baby.  I think that was the first time in my life holding a baby ever terrified me.  

Here are a few things that I love the most about Cooper:

1.  Definitely his beautiful blue eyes and his long eye lashes.  I love that he knows just how to bat those eye lashes for the ladies!

2.  His hugs, even though I have to beg for them now, Cooper is gives the best squeezes!

3.  The sneeky little smile he has when you know he is up to no good

4.  His strength.  Cooper is one strong boy, physically strong and strong willed. 

5.  He is Ava's best friend and for this I am most thankful

Here a few of Ava's favorite things about Cooper:

1. He is nice

2. I likes riding bikes with him, jumping on the tramp and finding rolly pollies with him.

On my mind.....

I haven't really shared any deep thoughts on my blog lately so I figured today might be a good day to share just a bit of what is occupying my thoughts the last few days. This semester I took a class about anger reduction and forgiveness. I don't want to sound dramatic but I think that the concepts I have learned and the soul searching they have required me to do have changed the way I look at my life. REALLY! Just one little tid bit of what I have learned is to view forgiveness as the process of letting go of personal hurt and anger. Approaching forgiveness in this light has really been beneficial for me, especially lately because i have had more than my fair share of hurt and anger to let go of! I have to write a paper during this next week about my personal journey with forgiveness through out the semester. I have been feeling a little puzzled as to where to even begin. I feel like I have been working on finding forgiveness in so many aspects that I can't even begin to do it all justice. But most of all I don't even know how to verbalize the change that has happened in me by letting go of my hurt and anger. How can I even do it justice with words?
I have never really felt like I am an angry person, but I am. I just stuff it all down inside and never let go. I just hide it inside of me, but the last few months it has really been coming out in me. It has been freeing, and I literally feel like learning how to feel it and how to let it go has lifted a weight from my soul. In one my sessions with my therapist we discussed "letting go" and what it involves.  He told me about a method used to capture Monkeys where a banana is placed on the other side of a hole.  The monkey can easily fit its hand inside the hole to grab the banana but can't pull its hand out while holding on to the banana.  Monkeys will usually not let go of the banana, making them easy to catch.  For some reason this really struck a cord at me. I have been holding on to way too many "banana's"  to move any where.  I would like to say that I have let all of them go, but that would be a lie.  But I have begun to let go of many of them and while it has been scary it has also been very life changing.  I am finding a new strength I never new I had. 

 I think my life has literally been dumped upside down in the last six months and I have learned so very many things! My relationships with so many people have been altered, some strengthened and some weakened. I have learned to speak up for myself a little more. I have learned to ask for help with different things, and that asking for help shows strength rather than weakness.  I have learned to forgive.  I have learned that letting go doesn't mean forgetting, and it doesn't make me a failure.  I have learned how to make friends and let people in.  I have learned to love myself a little bit more!  I have learned to love others more and try and see the world from their perspective. I have learned to re-evaluate what my original goals were and how to get back them.

While I am glad the semester is almost over because it has been more than I can handle, I would not change one second of it because it has given me the opportunity to become better in almost every aspect of my life!

Easter 2009

I just have to start by saying that I loved Easter this year! Ava was so excited this year. She had approximately five million questions about the Easter bunny most of which I just had to say "I really don't know sweetheart". She seemed content enough with that. It was interesting to think about all the random questions she was coming up with. Sharon and Brad came over for breakfast before church and then we went to Katie and Ryan's for a delicious Easter dinner. The kids had a blast coloring eggs on Saturday and had even more fun taking turns hiding them in the yard. The weather was beautiful! I feel so blessed to have so much and so many people to love and share this life with. Holidays are sometimes hard for me being alone with my girl. But this one was the easiest so far. There was a moment when she was unloading her basket so excitedly when I thought "I will be the only one to remember this moment," my heart hurt for a moment and then it was done. When she saw the purple peeps in her basket she said "oh look Mom sparkly purple birds I can eat!" It was so cute and gave me a good laugh. I love being Ava's Mom and creating these memories with her. She is an angel and my best friend!

The Ghost of Easters Past.....

I got a scanner for Christmas and decided it might be finally time to use it! So I dug through some old photos I have from my childhood and found some cute ones from Easter's past and thought they would be fun to post. I thought they were really cute. It was sweet to see how cute and young my Grandma clark is in them! And aren't me and Katie just adorable?

Pay it Forward

From my cousin, Kori's Blog and my sister Becca's blog...Here's how it goes:The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice--for you!  But I guess since I did it on two people's blog I will double up and do 10 people!  So first 10 people.........

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. I make NO guarantees that you will LIKE what I make! (I can only hope)

2. What I create will be just for you.

3. It WILL be done this year.

4. You have no CLUE what it’s going to be … it may be cards, a bookmark, something delicious or a complete surprise to you (and me!) … who knows?

5. Most importantly, you MUST offer the same deal on your blog - the first 5 people to comment on your blog get something made by YOU!

Full Circle? Maybe.......

I saw a quote on a blog that I read mostly everyday and I felt it pretty much sums up the way I feel about what has been happening with my heart lately.

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow!

Spring has definitely sprung in me! I am happy again, the sparkle is back! I didn't think that it would ever happen, but it did. Time really does heal us. Now...... bring on some Spring weather outside, please!

Happy Birthday Sharon!

Ava made this cute little video last year for Sharon's birthday but I couldn't get it to post last year. My intention was to record a new video for this year before Ava headed to California, but I didn't get it done. It is fun to see how much Ava has changed and grown over the last year though! So, Happy Birthday Sharon. Ava and I both love you very much! Thanks for all you do for us :)

Things like this.........

make me question my intelligence. This is now what the back of my car looks like after backing into another car in the Smiths parking lot. More than likely I looked behind me before starting to back up, right? I think I did but apparently a Royal Blue car snuck in behind me and I backed into it. Luckily the other car wasn't to injured and the owner was not worried about it! Luckily for me I will not be paying to fix up his beat up and very ugly Royal Blue car. :)

Then again today, another instance to make me question if I have a brain at all! I had a repeat of leaving my lights on this when I parked for school and when I got to the car it was dead. I know! I just did this in the very recent past. So, I was stranded in the parking lot again. I did learn something new though! One is that I have an awesome neighbor who was willing to come help if needed! The second is that the University of Utah has a really cool old guy that you can call to come jump start your car for you! Thanks to my friend Alex I discovered this helpful thing today. I called commuter services and it is more than likely that people actually do this quite often because the automated system had a special option for needing a jump start! I also figured out to open the hood of my car! Yes, I had to learn this small skill today and I was successful at figuring it out!

Thumbs up!

Frustration!

And, back in business!

I also learned one more thing: never leave home without your wallet or some form of $$$$$ it makes being stranded even more stressful! I seriously need a handbook entitled HOW TO DEAL WITH AND RECOVER FROM YOUR OWN STUPIDITY!

Family Pictures

I am really due for a blog update, but don't feel like doing much talking, so here are a few of our most recent family pictures. I pretty much love them!

It's all about me, myself and I......

So this last week in my child and adolescent development class we learned about how we develop self concept over the course of life. It was so interesting to see how at different ages we will describe ourselves so differently, very intriguing and thought provoking. I tested the book and asked Ava to describe herself, she was pretty right on with how the book said she would do it.... mostly describing her possessions and everyday activities. This is what she said " I like it when I am good and friendly at school. I went to Disneyland for my birthday and my favorite ride was Dumbo. I loved that ride so much. I love my mom and she takes care of me everyday. I role around in my sleep a lot and sometimes I fall out of bed. I have a Winnie the Pooh blanket that I have to sleep with or I cry. I like to go to the zoo and the movie theatre. I love my Grandma's and my Grandpa's. I like to hug my mom." I was cracking up the whole time she was listing of this stuff. It was all so random, but very interesting to hear the things that she identifies as being part of her.
So I have been thinking about what my self concept is. I have a hard time writing about me..... it feels hard to think about how to accurately describe just who I am. So, here is my concept of me........

See I am sitting here thinking how do I start.........

My name is Julie Clark, and obviously I have no middle name, it makes me special and unique. I am a Mother, a daughter, a sister, a student, an auntie, a friend and so much more! I consider my biggest strength to also be my biggest weakness. It is my heart. It is so big and wants to love everyone and help everyone. This has brought me much joy and much sorrow. I am just now trying to understand how to filter who I let into my heart and who to close it off to. I used to be a little more self conscious and shy, but lately I am coming out of my shell more and I am liking it. I can be very assertive at times and other times my mouth seems to stop working and usually it is when it comes time to express emotions. I hate crying in front of people, it makes me feel like such an idiot. I have a hard time letting people help me because I feel the need to constantly prove myself as capable. I am learning to ask for help and accepting it when offered. Every morning I wake up and live through one of my worst fears, so not much scares me. At the beginning of the semester my teacher had us go around the room and share what our dream job would be. Guess what I said? I said that I have my dream job, being a Mom. As far back as I can remember I have wanted to be a Mom and although it did not quite happen the way I pictured it, I am still a Mom and more days than not I love it.
I love hugs, the beach, trees, boots, blue jeans (I mean really really love blue jeans!), holding hands, boys (or at my age men), reading a good book (it is the best way to escape reality), kissing, pedicures, cheesecake, singing really loud in my car (it never fails to cheer me up or depending on the song it can give me a good excuse to cry like a fool), swimming, laughing (but who doesn't?), my family, anything that smells good, talking on the phone, driving (it calms me when I am stressed and helps me clear my mind), going to restaurants, being outside at night, the smell of rain, hangin with my sista's, the wind, the gospel of Jesus Christ, tulips, hot water, sunglasses, bracelets and earings(these are very new loves for me), fuzzy warm socks, my bathrobe (even though I feel like an old lady when I wear it), Cher, sleeping, flip flops, hot pink toe nail polish, lipstick, self portraits, and so many many more things!
I believe in love! I believe in never giving up or giving in. I am a fighter. I have so many dreams that I have never shared with anyone or that anyone would ever even guess at. I can only hope that I get to make them all come true. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I love music, but don't have a favorite "kind". You never know what you will get from me with music. I like to make people laugh and can be pretty silly some times, but very few people see this whole side of me. I can do the dinner scene from the Nutty Professor almost word for word, but only for my mom and sisters :) I love the movie Steel Magnolias, it is pretty much perfect in every way. I am still deciding what I want to be when I am done with school, there are just so many possibilities! But I guess I had better decide on something soon.
Everyday I learn more about myself! That is the beauty of life....... we can choose everyday what kind of person we want to become. Everyday is a fresh start and a clean canvas. We can live in the moment, create the moments we want to live in, choose happiness or sadness, make a difference or let some one make the difference for us.
I am simply complicated and I love being me!

???????

I know this is totally random but I have no motivation to blog about anything. I don't feel like myself at ALL! Not one little bit. I am all over the place lately and don't really know what to expect from myself as a person from minute to minute. The best way to some it up is that I just feel like a little freaky. Like more crazy than I have ever felt. So, there you have it. Me in a nutshell. At least lately.

Bug Tag......

How it works...... write down 10 things that bug you and 10 people you tag...

Not in any particular order, mind you.....

1. People who drive with their turn signals on but are clearly not turning.
2. When Ava asks me the same question over and over again even though I have answered it several times.
3. People who talk during class as if no one else cares what the teacher is saying. Annoying!
4. Losing my keys only to find they have been in my pocket the whole time.
5. Being late
6. The grocery store. I just don't like going there, everything about it bugs me. The smell, people who just mosy along, waiting in line......
7. People who walk their dogs and don't put a leash on them. Not everyone wants your dog to jump on them! (this happened to me at school last week, I was not happy, not happy at ALL!)
8. Tests that only have 8 questions and are worth 100 points. Seriously that leaves no room for any error!
9. My frizz ball hair
10. Walking to class in the snow


I am copying Tammy and just tagging the next ten people who read my blog. Leave a comment if you want to play so I can check out your answers.

Happy Sunday!

What can I say? It's tradition........

Growing up my Dad and I used to wrestle quite often. Everyone in the family had their own wrestling name and yes I remember them all. Me = Reddy Spaghetti, Katie = Sicky Nicky, Mom = Go Mamma Go, and Dad was The Crusher. We even gave my Clark Grandparents their own names when they lived near by. Grandpa was Hot Dog Bully and my Grandma was Go Granny Go. Yes I know all of this is completely random, but I remember these wrestling matches as being so fun when I was a kid of 6 or 7. I still enjoy a little rumble every now and then. Sometime I take on Cooper, and boy does that little guy have some moves. His favorite one for awhile was the body slam. He would run and just throw himself right on my stomach! Well on Sunday I decided that Becca needed some family wrestling memories! We had new wrestling names though. Becca was Dairy Bear and I was Wigdal Pillow. It was quite the match, but really people if you must know I totally won! No one has moves like me, seriously. I did get a few rug burns on my arm so I will give Becca credit, she put up a good fight. The best part is that my mom was snapping pictures the whole time! Enjoy!

This made my Day!

Friday morning I was just relaxing in my bathrobe have a quiet morning at home when I heard a knock on my screen door.  I was a little weirded out cause no one ever comes to my house.  I opened the door to find this box.....
My first reaction upon seeing a flower box on my door step was that they must be for my neighbor next door, but then I saw my name on the box. I immediately started getting a little teary eyed. When I opened the box there was this card on top.....
This is when the tears really started flowing! I was so touched that some one thought of me and would do something so sweet for me! Seriously it was so amazing and restored some of my faith in humankind. I don't know who sent the flowers or if they read my blog, but THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!

Daily Dose......

Quiet.......

My house is quiet.  Way too quiet.  I miss my girl.  In fact my heart is aching for her.  I was greatly feeling the need for a break in the days before she left.  But now I am just wishing she were here because in all reality she keeps me going.  She keeps a smile on my face, and laughter in our house.  She keeps me moving, and when she is gone my world seems to stand still.  I know that taking care of her is my most important job, but really, taking care of her takes care of me.  Isn't it strange how the things that bring us the most happiness can also bring us the most sorrow as well.  Isn't it ironic?  I think so.

It was one of those days....

You know those kind of days where everything seems to be wrong.  Well that was yesterday.  I woke up late, again.  I am blaming this new regular occurrence on the new bed and sheets. I just can't seem to drag myself out of that heavenly place.  I am also sure that the cold weather is contributing as well.  We are scheduled to leave the house at 8 every morning and waking up at 7:15 is not acceptable.  It results in way too much rushing for a four year old to happily endure. We made it out the door close enough to on time, but Ava didn't have her hair combed or her teeth brushed.  Bad Mommy!

As I was driving down the street to school I saw three cute little girls running down the hill to school.  One of them fell so hard I don't know how her feet didn't topple over her head.  I slowed down enough to notice that she was crying hysterically.  The mother in me said you better stop and help.  So I did.  This poor girls hands were just scraped to pieces.  I got some wipes from my car and helped her clean off some of the blood and dirt and then dried her tears.  They were all just staring at me like I was a crazy lady, but I couldn't just drive by.  I told myself that that is what I would want someone to do for my sweet girl, so even though I was feeling really rushed for time I stopped to help and felt better about myself for it.

I some how made it to my class on time and suffered through a rather boring political sociology class.  I can't even tell you one thing I learned during that hour and a half because after a certain point I stop listening and my mind wonders.  Lucky for me the tests in that class are take home. Whew!  After my Women and Crime class, which is always interesting, I decided to ditch Research Methods and go home for lunch instead.  When I managed to remember where I had parked I got in to discover that the stupid thing wouldn't start.  My first reaction was "am in the right car?"  Stupid I know, but I really did look around to make sure I was really in my car. Next I checked the lights and sure enough in all my rushing I had left them on.  My car was completely dead.  I stepped outside of my comfort zone far enough to ask a few people passing by if they had jumper cables, but everyone just looked at me like I was crazy and said no.  So, I called Brad and he drove all the way up to help me.

Seriously I don't know what I would do with out people who are willing to sacrifice their time to help me.  Brad finally got there and after some sweat and breaking up of snow drifts and ice we got the cars close enough that we could connect the jumper cables.  But, my car wouldn't budge.  The battery was done.  We headed down the road to buy a new battery and some tools.  Ninety-two dollars and two hours later, I was back in business.  I am proud to say that I didn't even cry, not once, because the "old" me would have cried.  I hate having car issues, it makes me feel so helpless!  Big thanks to Brad for helping me!!!

While driving home I just started feeling gross.  I am happy to say that that is all it turned out to be, just feeling gross.  The rest of the day was pretty neutral, but the morning and afternoon left me tired and drained.  Hopefully I will not be leaving my lights on again any time soon!  I think I learned my lesson on double checking things and not being so rushed that I leave my brain behind!