Complete Rambling.....

This might be one of those posts that rambles on, and on, but hopefully I will make a point somewhere. I just feel the need to get stuff off my chest and maybe get some words of wisdom. The last few months have been so happy but yet so hard for me at the same time. I feel like I am learning things about myself that I have never known before.

You know those times in your life when everything is changing all at once and there is nothing you can really do about it. You just have to ride the wave, control what small things you can and just make it work. That is how I feel, except that instead doing anything about it I have just been hiding out and avoiding reality. And that just makes it all suck so much more. It is one of my worst character traits. When things start happening, I get scared and hide for awhile until I have sorted it all out and somehow find the courage to pull myself up by the boot straps and make something happen. I know that I can do hard things. I have done them over and over again. But every time a new one comes along I have to fight the urge to run and hide. I have been hiding for way too long.

I am so glad to be done with school. But for the past 8 months I have been so terrified of what the next step means. I am feeling less than confidant about my "job skills" for no good reason. I am a good worker. I can do anything I set my mind to if I want it bad enough, but for some reason I am having trouble realizing my own potential lately. I am happy to say though that I did have a job interview last week and it went really well. I have a second interview Friday. I really really want this job. For a TON of reasons. I promise to post any news on whether I get the job or not as soon as I know anything.

As far as my social life? Well, it's been hard too. Adam and I decided weeks ago that things just weren't working out as great as we would like them to be. Both of us for different reasons. We decided to date other people and keep dating each other as well and see how things go. It has been bugging the crap out of me because I just can't decide how I feel. I have never felt so freakin wishy washy or confused in my life. But I am thinking the confusion is a bad sign. I don't know, any advice on that one? I have never been scarred when I have thought about getting married before until just the last 6 or so months and all of a sudden its like this really scary thing. I just keep thinking of all the ways life will change (for me and for Ava) and I don't know if I am up for it. It is going to be hard work, even with the right person, but eventually I know I have to do it. Does this means I am finally ready for it, or does it mean I am digressing? Wish I had the answers for that one.

But through all of this confusion and fog I am finally feeling like I am in the right place to finally date with a purpose. You know, like go out and give guys a chance and not run at the smallest mistake. I also feel more ready than ever to let people get to know the "real" me. It has been way more fun to go out with people and just be me. So much more fun! And way less stresful. Even though I feel confused about so much of my life, I am feeling less and less confused about who I am. How does that make sense?

So, if you were wondering why things have been so silent around here, its cause I have been living on fantasy island and trying to avoid reality. All that being said, I am finally ready to make something happen. The good news is, is that I know good things are coming. I just know. I can feel it. Life is good, especially if we let it be :)