I think that often times we don't talk about the things in life that we struggle with because it makes us vulnerable, but I think that acknowkledging our struggles sometimes makes them easier to deal with. As a parent you truly learn the meaning of unconditional love. In the final weeks before Ava was born I remember being terrified to have her come into my world. I knew that an undescribable change was going to take place in my life and in my heart. I knew that I loved her then, but I knew that once we actually met, face to face, that I would really love her. I knew that loving something that much would be wonderful but that it would bring with it pain, as all love does. We raise our kids to leave the nest and become successful adults. But I think that everytime we send our children out into the world our hearts break just a little. We want to protect them and nurture them forever. We don't want them to feel sadness or pain. If only we could keep them safe and all to ourselve forever. My turn to send my girl out into the world started when she was four months old. While I wasn't sending her to completely fend for herself, she was leaving me. Last Thursday I took Ava to the airport to visit her Dad. While I know that she is very loved there I still worry about her every second. Did she eat? How long was her nap? Is she happy today or grumpy? Did she go to sleep all right? Did she get enough hugs and kissed today? All the things that we worry about when it comes to the ones we love. Most of all I miss my companion. I miss our "pillow talk" in the morning and the way she puts her hand on my face in the night just to make sure she isn't alone in the bed. I miss hearing her say Mom and her cute little giggle. My world is just kinda empty. I knew that this would be one of the conditions of being her Mother, but that doesn't make it any easier. And even a year later it isn't any easier, and I don't think that it will ever be easy. If you are wondering if enjoy any of my down time, the answer is yes. It is nice to just be able to do whatever I want. But a day is nice, not week. I miss my baby :)
5 comments:
So insightful. I miss my aya too!
Julie, that made me tear up reading it. I'm proud of you - you are so selfless with Ava. Thanks for sharing.
Jamie
Wow julie. I hope you know how powerful your blogs are.I barely got past the first sentence and I could barely read the rest cause my vision was blurred from tears.You wrote how most of us feel. At least I feel the exact same way. You are so amazing at expressing yourself. I totally understand. As alyson gets closer to starting school I feel sick inside. I didn't know it was possible to love so much and hurt so much. I tell people that it actually sometimes physicaly hurts to have a child. Now i understand a LITTLE of how Heavenly Father feels for us. You are an amazing person and I am so proud of you and look up to you as a single mom . take care.
Oh Jules! That was really sweet and I, too got choked up. These blogs really give us the chance to peek into each others lives and our struggles and joys. I appreciate that a lot because I feel like I can learn so much from everyone else! I'm really proud of you and the good mother you are and I'm sure Ava misses you just as much as you miss her! Your pillow talks will return soon!
My dear girl, Jewels. Now you know how the heart of a mother works. So many times I struggled with the growing pains of my girls, and I still do. It does not stop when they leave the nest! The things that cause those pains just get a little more complicated and a little bigger cause we grow our whole life long. You are such an incredible woman. I am so proud of you and how you are keeping your life together.
Love, Mom
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