A new chapter........

This is my blog and it is just my small place in the world to share myself. Many people use there blogs for different reasons. I have decided that I want mine to share the story of my journey. Not just parts of it, but ALL of it. Not because I think that any one else might find it important but because I do and because some day my daughter will too. There are so many things that I want to teach her and I think that one day reading these stories will help her to know a side of me that she might not otherwise see. So from now on I will not sensor the bad from the good because life does not work that way. Hopefully my experiences might touch some one else either by making them smile, laugh, cry, or feel stronger in some way. So here it goes........ this is my story!
As you all know I am a single mom. It is amazing and heart wrenching at the same time. I want so much for my daughter to have what is considered a "normal" family. So at the beginning of this year I decided it was time to put myself out there. You know, out there into the scary world of dating. Dating is exhausting to say the least! But seriously people, while I know that Ava and I can be happy and fulfilled with just the two of us life is too wonderful not to spend it with some one!
It took a little time but finally I had some interested fellows. It was all in place the big first date in over a year. And guess what happened......... he didn't show up. Yep I got stood up! I think it was one of the most humiliating things that has ever happened to me. I was all dressed for a night out on the town and was left sitting there alone. I was discouraged and I was ready to just give up. Who wants to willingly subject themselves to rejection like that. It can be quite devastating to ones self esteem. I sat and contemplated what my next move would be. My hasty decision would have been to just walk away and quit. But I didn't. I decided that finding love would be worth taking some blows to my ego.
The next day I wrote a message to a boy. It started out casual and then grew into something much bigger. I would wake up every morning with the anticipation of seeing his name on the inbox of my email and then I would read his words (most of the time more than once). I can't really explain it cause it just sounds crazy, but I feel like every word spoke to my heart. I fell for this boy, I fell hard. And as all my faithful readers now I went to Hawaii and met him. I kept all of the quiet for some time because I didn't want to share any news too hastily. He was all I imagined him to be and then some. He came home to Utah soon after that and we just couldn't get enough of each other. Having him love me back made me happiest I have been a really really long time.
I thought for sure my dreams were coming true, that finally my prayers were being answered. Turns out I was wrong. On Sunday that boy walked out of my life. The reasons don't really matter, but all the same there were two girls left sitting on the front porch in tears. Tears that have lasted for days now. So today I am sad. Even though the word doesn't seem to do what I am feeling justice any other word just sounds dramatic. So sad it is and sad I am. So sad that putting on a fake smile for the sake of my beautiful Ava hurts. So sad that I have shed tears multiple times in public (don't judge me! and those of you who really know me know that any show of emotions in public like this is always avoided at all costs). So sad that I sat on the couch with a pound of fudge in front of me last night and I didn't even eat on bite. So sad that even my i pod offered no comfort. I will probably be sad for a long time. But the point is, is that I know I will be okay. Because I know that the heart of life is good and that one day when some thing is really funny I will laugh and that it won't hurt.
So if you are wondering what I will do next here is the answer. I am going to let myself be sad. I am going to get out of bed everyday and go through the motions and try to smile without hurting. I am going to jump back in the saddle again and find the guy for me. Because I know that he is out there waiting for me. Some one will love me the way that I need to be loved. I have faith in that! Send some good karma out into the universe for me! And of course any eligible bachelors my way because I am only getting older! LIfe is too short and I promise not cry on any dates! I will save that for after ;) I am going to do this most of all to teach my girl that when life knocks you down and you feel like curling up into a ball and not moving that you get up and move any way.