I am almost done with the semester!!! This week has been exhausting and stressful to say the least. Since Sunday I have written 3 papers, taken 4 exams, read way too much material to make sense of, and all with limited sleep, because when I sleep I dream about finding sources to back up my opinions and rehearse material have been studying. All I can say is, is that kind of sleep is not very restful. I had what I thought was going to be my easy final this morning. I read over the simple study guide my professor posted and basically it was if you have completed all the assignments you should have no problems on the exam. Piece of cake, because I was very diligent in completing every last one of those monotonous assignments! I arrived at the testing center a little early took one quick over the main point highlighted in my notes and with confidence began the test....

This is where things started to get a little out of control. I quickly cruised through the multiple choice and true false question with out any problems. Then there was a place on the test for a key with a hypothesis of what I was supposed to be analyzing and there was no information to analyze. No graph. No chart. No scatterplot. NOTHING! I looked through the rest of the test to find the same results, nothing to analyze! I was sitting there feeling a little like this......

except in a quiet, hot and stuffy room with about 15 other people. I seriously wanted to just start crying. All I could think was, what the crap is happening right now. Did I miss something really important on the study guide that said I needed to memorize the number of women who are against abortion, and how many women were polled, and the list can go on and on. All I could of was how I was going to lose my A grade in this class and that all the house of analyzing those stupid graphs would be worthless if I did not get and A in this class. I wanted to go ask the proctor if there was a possibility that she neglected to give me part of the test, but when I went in she told me that if I left the room I was done with the test. I was seriously starting to sweat. Then the proctor came in and I waved her over, she took me out with her but she had no help for me. The test was what she had, and that was all she could do for me. I was pissed, to say the least. I went back in and just started filling in answers from what I could remember from doing the assignments, literally fighting back tears the whole time. I felt so silly for feeling so emotional over a grade, but I don't want to just jump through hoops and end with a C average, I want A's. 

Luckily about 5 long minutes of suffering the proctor came back for me. What she said was music to my ears! She had just received an email that there were problems with the test. YES! I then talked to the guy from the main campus testing center and tried to communicate exactly what the problems were, he then called my professor and we got the problem solved. It took about 30 minutes of waiting, but I got the right test! After that is was a literal breeze! But seriously I was freaking out! When I got to my car all I could do was sit there and cry. Everything that I have been carrying around me just came out and I cried.

I cried because it was over!

I cried because I am now one step closer to being done. Done with this crazy semester and done with school.

I cried because I am one step closer to being the person I want my Ava to know

I cried because everyday when she wakes up Ava asks if we can just stay home together

I cried because I am lonely and feel like that part of my life is never going to end

I cried because I question whether or not I can really do this, and because I am afraid of failing

I cried because I wished that I could finish me last final, come home and back my bags and go to Hawaii again

I cried because I know I have to let that dream go, and doing that hurts like hell

I cried because I don't want to feel so broken anymore 

I cried because on Tuesday morning Ava told me she was proud of me and that i was the best Mom and she loved me, and that makes all of the crap I have to deal with worth it!

I cried because I just need a hug from my Mom because nothing makes me feel better than her hugs when I feel the way I do now

Craziness......

I think these pictures pretty much sum up the way I feel today, and yesterday and will feel tomorrow and pretty much everyday this week. Finals week!!!! Pray for me people and hopefully all will be said and done by Friday afternoon at 2........


One last thought....... my arms look giant in these pictures!

Say That You'll Stay Forever This Way.......

I my how I love this girl!  She is so beautiful, spunky, smart and basically fabulous.  I love every thing about her. An update on all her cuteness is LONG over due.  Ava's personality is blossoming with every passing day and I am always in awe of her. Just a few things that she is up to these days:

Ava is still very into her "crafts".  She will seriously entertain herself for hours drawing pictures, cutting, pasting, stapling,  and trying to write words.  She will ask me "Mom how do you spell.....?"  Then instead of trying to spell full on sentences I will just write it on a separate paper and she does her best to copy.  She is actually pretty good at it too!  Here she is drawing cereal one morning......

She still loves to sing, but will sing the same part of song over and over again!  She changes her voice to match songs too and it seriously cracks me up!  Next time you see her ask her to sing I like it I love it and you will not be disappointed!  A few of her favorite songs right now are Mamma Mia, Poker Face, Love Song, and So What.  I love to watch her sing and dance, it is a daily part of my entertainment!  Here she is with my Dad after entertaining all the people in his office with her singing and story telling.....

Sharon promised Ava a day of kite flying in Midway at her condo and boy was she a treat that day!  We bough a Barbie kite at Wal Mart and for the most part she had a great time flying it.  She didn't want it to be too high in the sky and was worried that she would float off with it.  My favorite part of kite flying with Ava was right when she got her hands on the handle she took off running, even though the kite was all ready in the sky. It was awesome and I was so sad that I didn't catch it on video.  Here are her and Sharon flying the kite......



Ava is also sleeping in her very own bed! This is an accomplishment for both of us......


She has also gotten really good at doing puzzles all by herself. Some times she gets stuck and all I have to do is remind her to match up the colors or to remember and start with edges. She is always very proud when she finally gets it all put together......

She never ceases to amaze me! Everyday I thank my lucky stars for the gift she has been to my life. Life is so busy and I know that this phase of our life won't last for long. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was anticipating seeing her face and now she is here and growing up so fast!

Happy Birthday Cooper!

Five years ago today my nephew Cooper was born.  I find it so strange that I can remember exactly what I was doing the night he was born, even down to the shoes I was wearing!  We were all so excited to welcome him into the world, and especially to welcome the first boy into the Clark side of our family.  I wasn't able to make it to Utah for Coopers birth, but was able to get here a few days later.  I was about three months pregnant with Ava when Cooper was born and I remember the feat that filled me the first time I help little Cooper.  I remember sitting there thinking all to soon I would have my own little baby.  I think that was the first time in my life holding a baby ever terrified me.  

Here are a few things that I love the most about Cooper:

1.  Definitely his beautiful blue eyes and his long eye lashes.  I love that he knows just how to bat those eye lashes for the ladies!

2.  His hugs, even though I have to beg for them now, Cooper is gives the best squeezes!

3.  The sneeky little smile he has when you know he is up to no good

4.  His strength.  Cooper is one strong boy, physically strong and strong willed. 

5.  He is Ava's best friend and for this I am most thankful

Here a few of Ava's favorite things about Cooper:

1. He is nice

2. I likes riding bikes with him, jumping on the tramp and finding rolly pollies with him.

On my mind.....

I haven't really shared any deep thoughts on my blog lately so I figured today might be a good day to share just a bit of what is occupying my thoughts the last few days. This semester I took a class about anger reduction and forgiveness. I don't want to sound dramatic but I think that the concepts I have learned and the soul searching they have required me to do have changed the way I look at my life. REALLY! Just one little tid bit of what I have learned is to view forgiveness as the process of letting go of personal hurt and anger. Approaching forgiveness in this light has really been beneficial for me, especially lately because i have had more than my fair share of hurt and anger to let go of! I have to write a paper during this next week about my personal journey with forgiveness through out the semester. I have been feeling a little puzzled as to where to even begin. I feel like I have been working on finding forgiveness in so many aspects that I can't even begin to do it all justice. But most of all I don't even know how to verbalize the change that has happened in me by letting go of my hurt and anger. How can I even do it justice with words?
I have never really felt like I am an angry person, but I am. I just stuff it all down inside and never let go. I just hide it inside of me, but the last few months it has really been coming out in me. It has been freeing, and I literally feel like learning how to feel it and how to let it go has lifted a weight from my soul. In one my sessions with my therapist we discussed "letting go" and what it involves.  He told me about a method used to capture Monkeys where a banana is placed on the other side of a hole.  The monkey can easily fit its hand inside the hole to grab the banana but can't pull its hand out while holding on to the banana.  Monkeys will usually not let go of the banana, making them easy to catch.  For some reason this really struck a cord at me. I have been holding on to way too many "banana's"  to move any where.  I would like to say that I have let all of them go, but that would be a lie.  But I have begun to let go of many of them and while it has been scary it has also been very life changing.  I am finding a new strength I never new I had. 

 I think my life has literally been dumped upside down in the last six months and I have learned so very many things! My relationships with so many people have been altered, some strengthened and some weakened. I have learned to speak up for myself a little more. I have learned to ask for help with different things, and that asking for help shows strength rather than weakness.  I have learned to forgive.  I have learned that letting go doesn't mean forgetting, and it doesn't make me a failure.  I have learned how to make friends and let people in.  I have learned to love myself a little bit more!  I have learned to love others more and try and see the world from their perspective. I have learned to re-evaluate what my original goals were and how to get back them.

While I am glad the semester is almost over because it has been more than I can handle, I would not change one second of it because it has given me the opportunity to become better in almost every aspect of my life!

Easter 2009

I just have to start by saying that I loved Easter this year! Ava was so excited this year. She had approximately five million questions about the Easter bunny most of which I just had to say "I really don't know sweetheart". She seemed content enough with that. It was interesting to think about all the random questions she was coming up with. Sharon and Brad came over for breakfast before church and then we went to Katie and Ryan's for a delicious Easter dinner. The kids had a blast coloring eggs on Saturday and had even more fun taking turns hiding them in the yard. The weather was beautiful! I feel so blessed to have so much and so many people to love and share this life with. Holidays are sometimes hard for me being alone with my girl. But this one was the easiest so far. There was a moment when she was unloading her basket so excitedly when I thought "I will be the only one to remember this moment," my heart hurt for a moment and then it was done. When she saw the purple peeps in her basket she said "oh look Mom sparkly purple birds I can eat!" It was so cute and gave me a good laugh. I love being Ava's Mom and creating these memories with her. She is an angel and my best friend!

The Ghost of Easters Past.....

I got a scanner for Christmas and decided it might be finally time to use it! So I dug through some old photos I have from my childhood and found some cute ones from Easter's past and thought they would be fun to post. I thought they were really cute. It was sweet to see how cute and young my Grandma clark is in them! And aren't me and Katie just adorable?

Pay it Forward

From my cousin, Kori's Blog and my sister Becca's blog...Here's how it goes:The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice--for you!  But I guess since I did it on two people's blog I will double up and do 10 people!  So first 10 people.........

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. I make NO guarantees that you will LIKE what I make! (I can only hope)

2. What I create will be just for you.

3. It WILL be done this year.

4. You have no CLUE what it’s going to be … it may be cards, a bookmark, something delicious or a complete surprise to you (and me!) … who knows?

5. Most importantly, you MUST offer the same deal on your blog - the first 5 people to comment on your blog get something made by YOU!

Full Circle? Maybe.......

I saw a quote on a blog that I read mostly everyday and I felt it pretty much sums up the way I feel about what has been happening with my heart lately.

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow!

Spring has definitely sprung in me! I am happy again, the sparkle is back! I didn't think that it would ever happen, but it did. Time really does heal us. Now...... bring on some Spring weather outside, please!

Happy Birthday Sharon!

Ava made this cute little video last year for Sharon's birthday but I couldn't get it to post last year. My intention was to record a new video for this year before Ava headed to California, but I didn't get it done. It is fun to see how much Ava has changed and grown over the last year though! So, Happy Birthday Sharon. Ava and I both love you very much! Thanks for all you do for us :)