“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I love this! I am so thankful for the many people who fill my life with their beauty everyday. I am made more aware of how much I rely on other people's strength and wisdom to get through life. And it's true, Beautiful people don't just happen. True beauty really does evolve over time!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sunday Thought........
I always wonder what touches and helps other people grow their testimony. This is something that has brought me comfort this week. So thankful for loving prophets who can guide and direct us.
"All of us have problems. We face them every day. How grateful I am that we have difficult things to wrestle with. They keep us young, if that is possible. They keep us alive. They keep us going. They keep us humble. They pull us down to our knees to ask God of heaven for help in solving them Be grateful for your problems, and know that somehow there will come a solutions"
"Just do the best you can, be sure it is the very best. Then leave it in the hands of the Lord"
- Gordon B Hinkley
The young women in my ward sang this song in sacrament meeting today. I loved it! Enjoy :)
"All of us have problems. We face them every day. How grateful I am that we have difficult things to wrestle with. They keep us young, if that is possible. They keep us alive. They keep us going. They keep us humble. They pull us down to our knees to ask God of heaven for help in solving them Be grateful for your problems, and know that somehow there will come a solutions"
"Just do the best you can, be sure it is the very best. Then leave it in the hands of the Lord"
- Gordon B Hinkley
The young women in my ward sang this song in sacrament meeting today. I loved it! Enjoy :)
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Where's Waldo
My ward does a young women and young men combined activity every year called Where's waldo. Basically they ask people from the ward to go in disguise to the gateway. Sharon, Ava and I got to go this year. It was actually pretty fun. Ava could have been an obvious give away because she didn't keep the blond wig on very long, but even with her tagging along only 2 groups found us.
Friday, October 21, 2011
A glimpse at my reality.....
Single Mom. I am growing to hate the term. Yes, I am a single mom, but lately I feel like we should replace that title with a much more telling one. Double parent. See, doesn't it make sense? I am both parents. I am the one who makes the decisions around here. The one who worries endlessly about how I am EVER going to make it all work out perfectly in the end. ME. Just me.
Yes, I do know that there are sooooooo many people who help and shoulder part of the worrying. But really, at the end of the day, I am all alone during the sleepless nights.
I feel like usually I do all right with everything. BUT, there are times in this single mother craziness where I am made very aware that I am truly alone. When these moments hit I feel over come with paralyzing fear. Ya know, tight chest, can't breathe kind of fear. I hate it. I don't like feeling that scared. I don't like being forced to think of all the things that could go wrong and shake my world to its very core. I don't like feeling so vulnerable. I am supposed to be the tough, strong woman who gets the job done. Not scared.
I am in the middle of one of those times. I am standing in the refiners fire so to speak. And I am feeling the heat in a major way. Here's the problem. I work at a residential treatment center for teens. I love my job. I have felt blessed this past year to work at a job that not only pays the bills but full fills me as a person. For the first year I worked swing shift (2:30 - 11). It worked well when Ava was in kindergarten because I could spend the morning with her, take her to school then head to work. All summer I prayed for getting moved to the day shift (6:30-3) or to find a new job. A week before school started I was moved to day shift. It really felt miraculous at the time with all the shifting of employees that took place to make it possible. For about 6 weeks my life felt pretty perfect. BUT. A few weeks ago more changes were made at my place of work and as of last Sunday I am back to swing shift. This means that during the week I only get to see Ava for a little over an hour.
Its breaking my heart. Every time I really think about it my chest gets tight, breathing becomes difficult and it takes all the discipline I have not to cry. It sucks to just have to work full time and rely on so many others to do the one job that my heart is aching to do, but when I only get one hour of it, I don't know how to survive. I am looking for a job, and I know that everything will work at as it should in the end. BUT, it is the getting there that is tough. I don't want to have to go through the hard part.
I know that it in the end my life will be blessed for it and I will be a stronger woman, but doing the work is hard. I wish I had someone to hold my hand and help me make decisions. I know that my Heavenly Father hears my prayers and knows what I need and what I am feeling. I worry that he may get tired of my begging for a light at the end of the tunnel. My begging for an end to the "double parenting". I know He has a plan and that right now my job is to do everything in my power to meet my needs and that He will do the rest. I know He is watching out for me and standing beside me every second. It is times like now that I am most grateful to know that I am daughter of God. He wants me to be happy, but He also wants me to be all that He created me to be. I also know that there was a time when I felt confident enough in my ability to go through these "hard" things and to pass a test made specifically for me. I CAN to this. Right?
It is times like now that I am grateful for words of comfort from living prophets and from prophets of old that speak to me through the scriptures. I am grateful for the Book of Mormon. It really does provide comfort and peace in times of trial and in times of happiness. It is during times like these I have learned to take joy in the small things. In the small moments that I do have with Ava. Even if it is just the kiss on her cheek when I lay her in bed. Every night after I lay her down I whisper in her ear I love you. I pray that in the following weeks when I am not with her as much that she really does now that I love her. I love her more than I could ever adequately express through words. It is that love that makes times like these worth it.
Yes, I do know that there are sooooooo many people who help and shoulder part of the worrying. But really, at the end of the day, I am all alone during the sleepless nights.
I feel like usually I do all right with everything. BUT, there are times in this single mother craziness where I am made very aware that I am truly alone. When these moments hit I feel over come with paralyzing fear. Ya know, tight chest, can't breathe kind of fear. I hate it. I don't like feeling that scared. I don't like being forced to think of all the things that could go wrong and shake my world to its very core. I don't like feeling so vulnerable. I am supposed to be the tough, strong woman who gets the job done. Not scared.
I am in the middle of one of those times. I am standing in the refiners fire so to speak. And I am feeling the heat in a major way. Here's the problem. I work at a residential treatment center for teens. I love my job. I have felt blessed this past year to work at a job that not only pays the bills but full fills me as a person. For the first year I worked swing shift (2:30 - 11). It worked well when Ava was in kindergarten because I could spend the morning with her, take her to school then head to work. All summer I prayed for getting moved to the day shift (6:30-3) or to find a new job. A week before school started I was moved to day shift. It really felt miraculous at the time with all the shifting of employees that took place to make it possible. For about 6 weeks my life felt pretty perfect. BUT. A few weeks ago more changes were made at my place of work and as of last Sunday I am back to swing shift. This means that during the week I only get to see Ava for a little over an hour.
Its breaking my heart. Every time I really think about it my chest gets tight, breathing becomes difficult and it takes all the discipline I have not to cry. It sucks to just have to work full time and rely on so many others to do the one job that my heart is aching to do, but when I only get one hour of it, I don't know how to survive. I am looking for a job, and I know that everything will work at as it should in the end. BUT, it is the getting there that is tough. I don't want to have to go through the hard part.
I know that it in the end my life will be blessed for it and I will be a stronger woman, but doing the work is hard. I wish I had someone to hold my hand and help me make decisions. I know that my Heavenly Father hears my prayers and knows what I need and what I am feeling. I worry that he may get tired of my begging for a light at the end of the tunnel. My begging for an end to the "double parenting". I know He has a plan and that right now my job is to do everything in my power to meet my needs and that He will do the rest. I know He is watching out for me and standing beside me every second. It is times like now that I am most grateful to know that I am daughter of God. He wants me to be happy, but He also wants me to be all that He created me to be. I also know that there was a time when I felt confident enough in my ability to go through these "hard" things and to pass a test made specifically for me. I CAN to this. Right?
It is times like now that I am grateful for words of comfort from living prophets and from prophets of old that speak to me through the scriptures. I am grateful for the Book of Mormon. It really does provide comfort and peace in times of trial and in times of happiness. It is during times like these I have learned to take joy in the small things. In the small moments that I do have with Ava. Even if it is just the kiss on her cheek when I lay her in bed. Every night after I lay her down I whisper in her ear I love you. I pray that in the following weeks when I am not with her as much that she really does now that I love her. I love her more than I could ever adequately express through words. It is that love that makes times like these worth it.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Nightmare on 13th......
Went to Nightmare on 13th last weekend....... That's all for now, everything else right now just feels to "heavy" to talk about. So, I am just focusing on the happy things!
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
If you sweat the small stuff, you might miss the big picture.....
Katie and I went to the temple together this morning. I was so happy that she could arrange her schedule to come with me! We made plans to meet in the chaple for the 9:30 session. As I was walking into the temple I had a memory of putting on a black bra this morning. I quickly checked to verify and sure enough, black bra. I panicked for a minute, knowing that I could only wear white in the temple. I didn't want to not show up after Katie had to arrange sitters for her two youngest and beside that I REALLY felt the need to be in the Temple today. So, I decided to just buck up and go with out. I rented an extra slip and got a "baggier" temple dress at the recommendation of the cute lady working this morning. It actually wasn't too obvious, but definitely awkward. We had a few chuckles over my situation through out the session, but it ended up being a really great morning.
As I was thinking about this tonight I realized that it was just one of those times where getting worried and stressing about something really small could have kept me from something important. I spent a little over 2 hours in a public place that highly values modesty with out a bra on, and probably not one person noticed. Its a small thing that I could have let keep me from something I really really needed. And besides that one day when Katie and I are little old ladies we will laugh about it. How could I deny us of another story to laugh our guts out about?
Moral of the story: if you spend too much time sweating the small stuff, you might miss the big picture. Life is too short not to find something to smile about and make you stronger everyday!
As I was thinking about this tonight I realized that it was just one of those times where getting worried and stressing about something really small could have kept me from something important. I spent a little over 2 hours in a public place that highly values modesty with out a bra on, and probably not one person noticed. Its a small thing that I could have let keep me from something I really really needed. And besides that one day when Katie and I are little old ladies we will laugh about it. How could I deny us of another story to laugh our guts out about?
Moral of the story: if you spend too much time sweating the small stuff, you might miss the big picture. Life is too short not to find something to smile about and make you stronger everyday!
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