A glimpse at my reality.....

Single Mom. I am growing to hate the term. Yes, I am a single mom, but lately I feel like we should replace that title with a much more telling one. Double parent. See, doesn't it make sense? I am both parents. I am the one who makes the decisions around here. The one who worries endlessly about how I am EVER going to make it all work out perfectly in the end. ME. Just me.
Yes, I do know that there are sooooooo many people who help and shoulder part of the worrying. But really, at the end of the day, I am all alone during the sleepless nights.
I feel like usually I do all right with everything. BUT, there are times in this single mother craziness where I am made very aware that I am truly alone. When these moments hit I feel over come with paralyzing fear. Ya know, tight chest, can't breathe kind of fear. I hate it. I don't like feeling that scared. I don't like being forced to think of all the things that could go wrong and shake my world to its very core. I don't like feeling so vulnerable. I am supposed to be the tough, strong woman who gets the job done. Not scared.
I am in the middle of one of those times. I am standing in the refiners fire so to speak. And I am feeling the heat in a major way. Here's the problem. I work at a residential treatment center for teens. I love my job. I have felt blessed this past year to work at a job that not only pays the bills but full fills me as a person. For the first year I worked swing shift (2:30 - 11). It worked well when Ava was in kindergarten because I could spend the morning with her, take her to school then head to work. All summer I prayed for getting moved to the day shift (6:30-3) or to find a new job. A week before school started I was moved to day shift. It really felt miraculous at the time with all the shifting of employees that took place to make it possible. For about 6 weeks my life felt pretty perfect. BUT. A few weeks ago more changes were made at my place of work and as of last Sunday I am back to swing shift. This means that during the week I only get to see Ava for a little over an hour.
Its breaking my heart. Every time I really think about it my chest gets tight, breathing becomes difficult and it takes all the discipline I have not to cry. It sucks to just have to work full time and rely on so many others to do the one job that my heart is aching to do, but when I only get one hour of it, I don't know how to survive. I am looking for a job, and I know that everything will work at as it should in the end. BUT, it is the getting there that is tough. I don't want to have to go through the hard part.
I know that it in the end my life will be blessed for it and I will be a stronger woman, but doing the work is hard. I wish I had someone to hold my hand and help me make decisions. I know that my Heavenly Father hears my prayers and knows what I need and what I am feeling. I worry that he may get tired of my begging for a light at the end of the tunnel. My begging for an end to the "double parenting". I know He has a plan and that right now my job is to do everything in my power to meet my needs and that He will do the rest. I know He is watching out for me and standing beside me every second. It is times like now that I am most grateful to know that I am daughter of God. He wants me to be happy, but He also wants me to be all that He created me to be. I also know that there was a time when I felt confident enough in my ability to go through these "hard" things and to pass a test made specifically for me. I CAN to this. Right?
It is times like now that I am grateful for words of comfort from living prophets and from prophets of old that speak to me through the scriptures. I am grateful for the Book of Mormon. It really does provide comfort and peace in times of trial and in times of happiness. It is during times like these I have learned to take joy in the small things. In the small moments that I do have with Ava. Even if it is just the kiss on her cheek when I lay her in bed. Every night after I lay her down I whisper in her ear I love you. I pray that in the following weeks when I am not with her as much that she really does now that I love her. I love her more than I could ever adequately express through words. It is that love that makes times like these worth it.