I am almost done with the semester!!! This week has been exhausting and stressful to say the least. Since Sunday I have written 3 papers, taken 4 exams, read way too much material to make sense of, and all with limited sleep, because when I sleep I dream about finding sources to back up my opinions and rehearse material have been studying. All I can say is, is that kind of sleep is not very restful. I had what I thought was going to be my easy final this morning. I read over the simple study guide my professor posted and basically it was if you have completed all the assignments you should have no problems on the exam. Piece of cake, because I was very diligent in completing every last one of those monotonous assignments! I arrived at the testing center a little early took one quick over the main point highlighted in my notes and with confidence began the test....

This is where things started to get a little out of control. I quickly cruised through the multiple choice and true false question with out any problems. Then there was a place on the test for a key with a hypothesis of what I was supposed to be analyzing and there was no information to analyze. No graph. No chart. No scatterplot. NOTHING! I looked through the rest of the test to find the same results, nothing to analyze! I was sitting there feeling a little like this......

except in a quiet, hot and stuffy room with about 15 other people. I seriously wanted to just start crying. All I could think was, what the crap is happening right now. Did I miss something really important on the study guide that said I needed to memorize the number of women who are against abortion, and how many women were polled, and the list can go on and on. All I could of was how I was going to lose my A grade in this class and that all the house of analyzing those stupid graphs would be worthless if I did not get and A in this class. I wanted to go ask the proctor if there was a possibility that she neglected to give me part of the test, but when I went in she told me that if I left the room I was done with the test. I was seriously starting to sweat. Then the proctor came in and I waved her over, she took me out with her but she had no help for me. The test was what she had, and that was all she could do for me. I was pissed, to say the least. I went back in and just started filling in answers from what I could remember from doing the assignments, literally fighting back tears the whole time. I felt so silly for feeling so emotional over a grade, but I don't want to just jump through hoops and end with a C average, I want A's. 

Luckily about 5 long minutes of suffering the proctor came back for me. What she said was music to my ears! She had just received an email that there were problems with the test. YES! I then talked to the guy from the main campus testing center and tried to communicate exactly what the problems were, he then called my professor and we got the problem solved. It took about 30 minutes of waiting, but I got the right test! After that is was a literal breeze! But seriously I was freaking out! When I got to my car all I could do was sit there and cry. Everything that I have been carrying around me just came out and I cried.

I cried because it was over!

I cried because I am now one step closer to being done. Done with this crazy semester and done with school.

I cried because I am one step closer to being the person I want my Ava to know

I cried because everyday when she wakes up Ava asks if we can just stay home together

I cried because I am lonely and feel like that part of my life is never going to end

I cried because I question whether or not I can really do this, and because I am afraid of failing

I cried because I wished that I could finish me last final, come home and back my bags and go to Hawaii again

I cried because I know I have to let that dream go, and doing that hurts like hell

I cried because I don't want to feel so broken anymore 

I cried because on Tuesday morning Ava told me she was proud of me and that i was the best Mom and she loved me, and that makes all of the crap I have to deal with worth it!

I cried because I just need a hug from my Mom because nothing makes me feel better than her hugs when I feel the way I do now