Sunday, March 02, 2008
An AHA! moment
It is 4 am and I just cannot sleep! Have a lot on my mind which is not unusual it just doesn't usually keep me up at night! I started school two months ago. I can't believe how the time has gone by so quickly, but as usual I woke up yesterday and it was all ready March 1. I was driving home from Provo last night and I was just kind of doing a recap on everything that has been going on in my life since making this big life change. And the light suddenly went on. Everything is working out and not only it working out but I am HAPPY! See when I started school I was a nervous wreck. My first day of classes I went to Jamba in the morning to help the new manager out with some scheduling stuff and while I was there I picked up my last "full" check. Can I just tell you what kind of anxiety over took me as I walked out of there! I just kept thinking, What are you doing? You can't possibly believe that you are going to live with out this money? I am never going to be able to make this work, What was I thinking when I quit my job? I was really freaked out. Then I went to all my classes over the next few days, and the anxiety just kept building. I just kept thinking, I CANT DO THIS! I was driving home one day really struggling with the decision when this still small voice whispered to me " these thoughts are not yours, they are coming from the adversary and he wants you to fail." Isn't that amazing, I immediately felt peace. Even though it was short lived, I felt it. I have really been struggling this past year with feeling at peace with my life! I am constantly worrying about how I am supposed to make everything work out for my family. Financially, spiritually, emotionally. How am I supposed to do all of this alone! It can be overwhelming. I guess the point of all this is that I think in the last two months I have finally been at peace. I am right were I need to be! Yes, I am a single mother putting herself through school, but I am not alone! There are so many wonderful people who are on this journey with me. I am so truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life who help bear my burdens and lift me up. Yesterday I was at Katie's house about to leave for the airport. Before leaving Katie offered a prayer and blessed that Ava and I would be watched over while they were gone. Isn't that amazing. It was just a reminder to me that Katie and Ryan really do help watch out for me. I have really missed them since they moved across town. I don't get to just stop in for a few minutes everyday and I really miss seeing all of them. I am so thankful for the relationship that I have with my big sis, and her family. I am so thankful for my family. My parents, my sisters, and my brother in law have all been so supportive. Hope some of that made sense, it is 4 in the morning.
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4 comments:
AMEN! I live for those short lived moments of peace. I feel completely insane at times and totally out of control like nothing is making sense and then somehow it all does and I realize that I am NOT in control by any means. I am not in control and I feel out of control, who knew. I just want what is right and what is best. Starting to get to a point were my life is work and home, repeat. I want to feel like I am making a difference. It feels scary of how it would work but I am not feeling like I am meeting any kind of potential and like I am not helping out like I can. So this is turning into a novel and I could go on forever. Point being. I get it! *sigh* I am amazed that you are in school and making it. What is the secret? You are doing great. Just think of where you have come from and you will feel good about where you are at. I have to do that with myself. You are moving forward and doing well. Take care. Someday I will make it over. I will. I am off on Saturday and I actually have my love. Let me know. If not no worries. Take care.
julie, you have no idea how much respect i have for you and all the HARD but so worth it things you are doing in your life. i can only imagine the challenges you face, but i think it just shows what a STRONG person you are and the determination you have to do good things, even when they are difficult. i don't think most people could do it! i am so, so, so glad that you are feeling that peaceful reassurance that all is as it should be in your life right now, which also means that you will have every help and support from a Father in Heaven who wants nothing more than to see you succeed and be happy. may that peace you feel carry you through any hard days! so proud of you, really!
My Jewels, I am so proud of you! I know it was a very difficult decision to make this change in your life, let go of your comfort zone and start school. It truly is the right decision! I've never ever met anyone that said "going to college was a BIG mistake." You will be forever grateful you had the fortitude to do this. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing at the right time in your life. Stay close to the Lord. He will ALWAYS guide you, and with him by your side you are NOT alone. I love you so much!
There is something about pursuing an education that gives you a feeling of becoming "more" and accomplishing an intimidating goal. It is stressful and scary, but it is also conquering something that didn't feel possible to you, which gives you confidence. I'm so proud of you for the dedication you've had to Ava and the determination you have to succeed. You were a great employee and now you're a great student! :-)
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