Christmas Recap

I tried to make a post with the slideshow I posted yesterday, but technology was not cooperating with me very well and when I started to get angry I had to walk away. So here are the detail of Christmas from the Clark house. We celebrated with Ava early on Sunday. Sharon and Brad came over after church. Becca was in town visiting so she was here too. Tyler even stopped in for a minute on his way to work. It was so much fun to open presents with Ava this year. I swear it gets better and better every year! We saw some personality she gets from me and some personality she gets from her Dad. She insisted on putting every piece of wrapping paper straight into the garbage bad so we wouldn't have a huge mess every where (if you haven't guessed this is definitely something she gets from her Dad). She had us all laughing when she exclaimed "I hope it's clothes or shoes!" while opening a present from Sharon and Brad (that is definitely all my doing!). She had a great time and loved all the loot she got! We made breakfast for lunch and it was oh so yummy! Sharon and Brad got me a griddle, so now I will have to practice making some pancakes because I have never made them before.

I took Ava to California and Tuesday to stay for a week at her Dad's. I cried on the way to the airport, then again after she pulled away at the airport. I could hardly even talk to her when she was leaving because I was holding back my tears. I didn't want to cry in from of her because I know that it would worry her and I definitely did not want her Dad to see me cry. So instead at sat outside on the bench and cried while I waited for Tricia to pick me up. I think the lady sitting next to me thought I was a tad bit crazy. Who knows maybe I am. I spent a fun night with Tricia and Lola doing last minute shopping, dinner at the Olive Garden and then just hangin out at the house. It brought back a lot of memories to be there. I really miss having Tricia close by. We are definitely kindred spirits and I love her like a sister!

Wednesday there were more tears on the way back to the airport and the whole time I was waiting for my flight. Again more people thinking I am a total whack job, but I have really quit caring about that at his point. I think by then I was all cried out. I drove to Logan to spend Christmas Eve at my Dad's house. It was a lot of fun! We ate pizza and of course a ton of treats. It was fun to be Becca and everyone else. I really love my Dad and I am so thankful that I was able to spend part of the holiday with him! Thanks Dad for all you do for me and Ava!

Christmas day started early. I got to Katies about 7:30 to watch the kids open presents and eat breakfast. I am proud to say that I did not shed one tear! It was fun to see how excited Cooper and Savnnah were to see what Santa Claus brought. Thanks to Katie and Ryan for sharing it with me. I got to Sharon and Brad's about noon to do some more celebrating. It was a good time! Sharon made a delicious Christmas dinner! I feel so blessed to have my second family! Thanks to Sharon, Brad, Nathan, Emily and Tyler for making me part of your Christmas. It was truly a huge blessing for me this year!

I am so thankful for all the many people who have reached out to me this holiday season! My life is abundantly blessed by some truly amazing people!

Merry Christmas

A little sad...... but still GOOD TIMES!

On Sunday we loaded up in Katie's car and headed to Logan. I still can't believe how fast we can fill up her car, seriously every nook and cranny packed with stuff! Sunday night we had our Clark family Christmas party. It is one of my favorite parts of Christmas. We weren't sure if the party would continue without my sweet Grandma to gather us all together, but we did it. I didn't really prepare myself in advance for the fact that she wouldn't be there, it was just too hard to think about. It hit me when we were driving up and it definitely hit me when we got to the party. It was so sad to walk in and not have her run up to hug us and tell us all how beautiful we are. I really missed that hug. We started out the night a little teary eyed but I think we all had a really good time. It was fun to see everyone, eat dinner and yummy treats. We kind of switched things up and didn't do the traditional white elephant presents but the new game we played was fun too. I have always loved the smell of my sweet Grandma's house. I have never been able to pin point exactly what the smell is. The best way I can think of to describe it is comfort. My sisters and I discussed this on the way back to my Dad's after the party and for the first time I realized what that special small was. It was my Grandma. It was the comfort she provided for all those that she loved. I really could have used some of that comfort this week, but I know that her spirit was there with us all and that seeing us all together probably gave her some comfort.
It was so great to just spend the whole day with family today. I love my family so much. I seriously could not have hand picked better people to spend my life here on earth with and for eternity. I am to wiped out to post any pictures, but I have some pretty priceless ones of Luka at the Aggie game tonight. Mostly right now I just want to let my family how know how much they really do mean to me. Thanks for all you do for me and Ava! We love you all more than words could ever express!

A Daughter needs a Mom........

to tell her the road to happiness is not always straight

to explain that the sweetest flower may not always be the prettiest

to carry her when she is tired

to teach her that class never goes out of style

to teach her to love her friends, no matter what they do

to teach her to laugh at herself

to teach her that even true love requires compromise

who knows how to let loose and have fun

to show her how to give back to others

to show her to use humor to lighten heavy loads

to show her how to put a little love in everything she does

to tell her not to let pride get in the way of forgiving someone

to encourage her to be grateful

to catch her if she falls

to remind her, on the bad days, that she is not alone

and

to teach her that you cannot start a life over, but you can change the way it ends.

I think its funny.....

So, I read this today in a place I won't be disclosing, but if I would have been in a laughing mood I would have laughed. I think it describes me quite perfectly......

Used heart for sale, scratched and dented, but runs well!

See like I said, it is quite fitting :)

And just for kicks, a picture that does make me laugh! Ava spilled her whole shirley temple on me while we were eating dinner at Black Angus when we went to California in November. Maybe you just had to be there, but this was one of those moments was when something was really funny, and I did laugh, and for just a night I forgot about being sad.

Another semester done!

Remember this?

This was me at the end of last semester. Literally bursting with joy and accomplishment! I was so amazed at all that I had accomplished in just 4 short months. Today I finished me second semester. I am just relieved because the last few weeks have really worn me out. I have literally had to pep talk myself into finishing every assignment and going to every class. And have you ever heard a pep talk from a depressed person? Not very peppy. I am so glad I don't have to do that again until January, and hopefully then I won't need those un-peppy pep talks. But, this all being said, I have learned a lot this semester. If anything I have learned to just keep moving. I know that I am supposed to be doing this right now. I KNOW THIS and knowing some how makes it doable. I am looking forward to next semester. I am registered for 16 units and I am really excited about my classes. So, while today I am not jumping for joy, I am still proud of me. Another chapter is complete.......

Have you ever had one of those moments.........

that stop you in your tracks so to speak. You know, where your heart stops for a second and then starts racing. When you have to remind yourself to breathe and then your hands get sweaty and shaky. And in the extreme version of this you might even fight the urge to throw up. Well I did yesterday. I thought I was handling things fairly well, or at least fooling other people into thinking I am. But then I saw a ghost. But he was real. And for the rest of the night it was hard to breathe, or sit still and yes the tears came back in full force. And once again this morning I woke up sleep deprived with swollen eyes. Eyes that have lost their happy sparkle. I miss my smile and those sparkly eyes. I am trying to get them back but I feel like I am losing that battle right now. I am waiting for time to bring them back, but time seems to be slowing down around here.

But on the flip side of things, the scale said 122 this morning. I could have kissed it! See there is always a silver lining........ get your heart broken and lose all desire to eat!

River

My sister Katie made the recommendation for Sara McLachlan's Christmas CD, Wintersong. I took the recommendation and LOVE the music. There is especially one song that I feel really describes how I have been feeling lately. I love the words! Here they are and if you really want to experience the beauty of the song buy it! Enjoy!

River

Its coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer singing songs of joy and peace

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
And then I am going to quit this crazy scene

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly high
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

But I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby that I've ever had

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Oh I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly high
Oh I wish I had a river
That I could skate away on

I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer singing songs of joy and peace

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

A memory.......

Yesterday morning I woke up and opened the front blinds. The world was covered in a blanket of white and there were giant icicles hanging right in front of the window. Seeing them took me back in time to a morning years ago......

I was probably 9 or 10. We were traveling back to Utah for a visit. I don't remember all the details of the trip but I just remember that we were driving with my Clark Grandparents in our black for explorer. We ran into a terrible blizzard along our trip. I remember being terrified. Seriously probably one of the times in my life I can remember feeling really really scared. We could see nothing on the road. The wind was blowing snow every where! Occasionally we would see cars and semis off the road as we would pass them. We pulled over for my Grandpa to drive. We put the seat down in the back. My Mom, Katie and I laid in the back and sang girls camp songs to try and take our minds off of what was happening. I was really freaked out by it all. Growing up in California it was my first "real" snow experience.

I must have fallen asleep because the next morning I awoke in the safety of the "blue" room at my Grandma Clarks. I remember waking up and looking out and seeing giants icicles in the window. I was amazed! I thought they were so magically beautiful! I was so excited by the winter wonderland that was just outside the window! And the best part of it was being at my Grandma's house because that in itself was always a magical thing for me as a young girl.

Seeing all the snow yesterday made me miss her. I know she would have loved the beauty of it, despite the coldness of it. Because that is who she was, she always saw the beauty. I hurried into my room to wake Ava and show her what had taken place while she slept. She was so excited and just said WOW when she saw it. Even though snow is not my favorite thing now, I want her to experience the magic of waking up to the miracle of snow. Because it is truly a beautiful thing! Even if it is cold and wet and needs to be shoveled and it makes me look like a dork cause I always manage to fall in public once a winter because of it.

Elf Yourself

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Elf Yourself

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Heber Creeper

We had such a fun night! Katie gave Ava tickets to ride the heber creeper for her birthday. They do it like the polar express during the holidays. We had so much fun! Thanks Katie and Ryan for such a fun night out!

A fun meme........

Last 2 TV shows I watched:
1. Sex in the City
2. Brothers and Sisters

Last 2 things I ate or drank:
1. Dt Coke (big surprise)
2. McD's quarter pounder and fries

Last 2 pieces of clothing I put on:
1. Navy blue warm ups
2. I'ver Been Naughty shirt

Last 2 people you told you loved:
1. Ava
2. My Dad

Last 2 people you kissed:
1. Ava
2. ?????? havent kissed anybody else in awhile

Last 2 people who replied to your blog:
1. Sharon
2. Janessa

Last 2 people I spoke to on the phone:
1. Katie
2. Tricia

My favorite new decoration:
New Christmas tree ornaments

Favorite laugh of the day:
Watching that silly video of Becca. Yes I watched it again today and it is still making me laugh!

My favorite cook of late: I made mini meat loafs on Sunday. They were pretty good if I do say so myself!

My favorite news of the day: I am done with my Child Abuse final. Whew!

My favorite song lately: Carry You Home by James Blunt

Favorite television show lately: I watch Sex in the City reruns every night, I will never get tired of that show!

My favorite thing lately: Shea Cashmere body lotion from Bath and Body Works. Seriously love, love, love that stuff. Makes me soft and it smells so good! Go get some today!

Christmas Tree 2008

We got our tree on Saturday! I have to say that is my most favorite Christmas tree so far. I got new ornaments last year after Christmas on a way good sale and I love them. They are so colorful, bright, and glittery! Ava actually had fun picking out the tree. It did take some negotiating between the two of us though. I would suggest one and then she would say no this one. We finally agreed on one that we could both live with. Of course Sharon and Brad came with us. It is turning into a little Christmas tradition for us to do it with them. We had so much fun! Thanks Sharon and Brad for making it a special memory for Ava and me!

Sorry Becca!

Well I think Becca new this would be coming, but still hope she doesn't kill me for it next time I see her. Here is just a small taste of the craziness that takes place when Becca and I spend some time together. I can revert back to the age of 15 pretty quickly. Maybe you just had to be there to understand how funny this was. But my favorite part of the video is how hard I am cracking up. Is it strange that the sound of my own laugh can crack me up? Becca I love you!

Christmas 2004 and other thoughts........

I can't believe this is my fourth Christmas with Ava. I was talking to one of my friends in my ward on Saturday about how we couldn't believe Ava and I have been here for four years! It has literally flown by. I feel like I went to sleep one night with this tiny snuggly newborn and woke up with a talkative and very opinionated little girl. She has completely lost the baby look! Four year ago I was just here visiting after I had Ava. I knew then that I was supposed to come live her, but I was fighting it so hard. I didn't want to move here. I didn't want to admit that I needed to come here. It was a hard pill for me to swallow and I think that the day I drove out of Long Beach with a fully loaded U Haul following behind was one of the saddest days of my life. I think I cried for a good couple of hours. I was sad to admit that the dreams I had built there were never going to come true. I was thinking about the person I was four years ago today in church. I have been feeling a lot like that girl lately. Like I have lost a dream and that I don't want to take the time to dream a new one. But today I realized that I am not all the way back at square one. I have goals and ambitions I never planned I would have. I am a completely different person. I am feeling comfort in knowing that while I am an ordinary person I CAN do hard things. I have faced most of my biggest fears in life and I have survived to tell the story! Here are a few pictures from that first Christmas. I can't believe that I am posting them for you all to see cause I look like a cow, but hey, like I said a lot about me has changed!



Just one comment on this picture....... it seriously cracks me up every time I see it. I guess cause one day Katie and I stumbled upon it and laughed for so long because I look so "chubby". It make me laugh every time!

Language of Love.......

I have to admit that I am having a little trouble getting into the spirit of Christmas this year. I usually love Christmas, but I just can't seem to shake the black cloud that is hovering over my head lately. So today I just wanted to share a wonderful story about how my parents taught me the true meaning of Christmas. I used the story for a paper I had to write in my writing 1010 class this semester. We had to write about how we became literate in some area of life. I chose LOVE. This story is just one of many ways that I have learned the language of love.


When I was seven years old my parents carefully planned a way to teach me about thinking of the happiness of others before my own. To truly appreciate the lesson I learned, you should know something about me. As a small child I loved money. I knew all the places possible to find money in the house: under couch cushions, pockets of Dad’s dirty jeans, the top of the dryer, the top of my Mom’s dresser, and many other unimaginable places. Even though most of it was small pocket change, I just loved having money. I used to think that if I just had one hundred dollars, I would be rich.
Well it was Christmas time and Dad called a family meeting. It was a few days before our big traditional shopping trip and I had all ready been day dreaming of all the things I would love to buy, if I only had some money. My Dad gave everybody a hundred-dollar bill. He said we could do anything we wanted with it, and boy did I have plans! Then he looked at my mother and said he knew of a family that wasn’t going to have much for Christmas and that he would like to give his $100 to that family. Mom agreed with the idea and gave her money. My older sister, Katie, immediately gave her money without even giving it a second thought. But I just sat there and looked at that money and felt it in my hands. Everybody was looking at me, watching and waiting; my parents both knew that it would be a very difficult thing for me to give up the money. In that moment it felt like time just stood still. I can remember sitting there, on the end of my parents’ bed, thinking that my biggest dream had just come true and I was being asked to give it up. With eyes full of pleading desperation, I looked at my Mom and then at my Dad and asked if I could just keep $20. He said sure, I could do whatever I wanted with the money. After thinking it over for a time, I gave the entire hundred dollars.
My mother gathered the money together and sealed it in an envelope. I will never forget how exciting it was to drive slowly through the dark alley in front of the family’s house and turning off the headlights so we would not be detected. The porch light was on, the curtains were open and we could see into the house. My mom snuck up to the door and put the card on the mat, rang the doorbell, and ran. We sat with our hearts in our throats and waited for the door to open and for someone to pick up the envelope.
Since that Christmas twenty years ago I have had countless opportunities to give of myself to others. That year my parents began a tradition that is still carried out to this day. But the beauty of it is that we all do it now. My Mom, my Dad and my sister, along with their spouses and children carry on the tradition in their own way. And yes I continue the tradition. The gift is not the same every year, the receiver may be some one close to us or a complete stranger, but there is always a piece of a loving heart given. My daughter is only four but when the time is right I will find my own way to teach her the same lesson in selflessness that my parents taught me because I truly believe it is a silent language that everyone must posses to truly live a happy life.
I will never know how my hundred dollars made the family feel or how it affected their lives, but I have never forgotten the way I felt or the irreplaceable lesson I learned that night. I will never forget the looks of love and satisfaction my parents gave me when I gave up that precious money. For some people doing this would not have been hard, but it was one of the most difficult sacrifices I have ever made, and also the most gratifying. From this lesson I began to understand the importance of being unselfish, and the ways that it can influence my life and the lives of others. As I began to learn the strength of my actions I sought to shape them more carefully and look for ways to be more giving of myself. I am forever thankful to my parents for teaching me the true language of love and self sacrifice for when I learned that lesson I learned to truly understand who I am.

Just a week late........

I have totally been slacking with my blog! I wanted it to become an everyday habit and succeeded for a little while but kinda lost my groove when I went to Arizona to visit my Mom. But I did have Ava make this video on Thanksgiving and it is just so cute so enjoy!

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year - old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess "We must do something about father," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor." So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life.."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn!


My sweet mom sent this to me today. It touched me to the point of tears. It is all so true! There are so many things in life that I have learned through trial and error and there is still so much for me to learn. I am so thankful for all that I have been blessed with! With this week being Thanksgiving I have been reflecting on all the many blessings that I enjoy in life. I am truly blessed beyond measure. I have a warm safe place to live. I have been provided the opportunity to go back to school and get and education. I have a network of people who love me and my sweet girl, who help us on a daily basis. I live in a wonderful family oriented neighborhood. I am part of an amazing ward family who provide me with strong testimonies to lean on during times when I am in doubt of what is right. I have a calling that allows me to interact with beautiful daughters of God who bless my life and make me want to be a better and more diligent follower of Christ. I have a family that I love more than words can ever express. I have a beautiful daughter who inspires me to better on a daily basis. She is my best friend and the bond between us can never be explained or defined. I have parents who love and support me through every decision I make, good or bad. My parents have become two of my best friends and mentors, I can talk to them about anything and everything without hesitation. I have two amazing sisters, Katie and Becca, who laugh and cry with me. I have an amazing brother in law who I love with all my heart and always make me feel welcome and accepted as part of his family. I have two nephews and a niece that I love to pieces. I have a step father, a step mother, and nine step brothers and sisters and their beautiful children that have given me the opportunity to learn how to expand my capacity to love.I have amazing Grandparents who have taught me some of life's most valuable lessons. I have an adopted mother, Sharon, who shows up when I am sick to take care of me and during some of my darkest hours, when my own mother can't and has truly kept me going for the past 3 years. I have Brad who blesses my home with his amazing "fix it" skills and priesthood power that has restored my faith on numerous occasions and who plays with Ava and gives her the "male" attention she craves. I have amazing women who care for and love Ava while I go to school and work. I have amazing visiting teachers and home teacher that show up every month without fail. I have friends who truly care about me. And most importantly I have a Father in Heaven who knows me inside and out and He will never stop loving me and watching over me no matter what I do! LIfe truly is a blessing! What are you thankful for today?

Where is Thumpkin, Ava's version

Ava had me cracking up all day singing the same song over and over again. Don't know if many people know this song but it is the one where you go through each of your fingers and they great each other. Where is thumpkin, where is thumpkin, here I am, here I am. How are you today sir very well I thank you, run a way, run a way. She kept doing it over and over again while I was blow drying her hair. She doesn't quite get the very well I thank you part right and the way she says it cracks me up! I got her to perform it again last night so I could make a little video. I love the facial expressions she makes and you can just see the wheels turing in her head while she is singing it! Priceless!

I love this!

I posted a link to this video a while ago but found this one recently and like it even better than the first one! These pictures of the Saviors life are so touching! I love the one of the ten virgins and the one of Jesus hugging John the Baptist right after he was baptized. Amazing

Baby Kisses

Man I love my nephew Luka so much! For some reason I have always just had a special spot for him in my heart. I love Cooper and Savannah too! But they don't like to snuggle me so much any more. I practically have to beg Cooper to hug me these days! But I don't have to beg Luka, yet. Last night at his party I got him giving kisses and it was great! He opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue and then just keeps coming back for more and more. Good thing baby drool is pure!

How do you see it?

I went to the airport yesterday. As I walked in I was instantly hit with excited energy. There were two huge family crowds waiting right outside security. The conversation was excited and tear filled. There were signs, banners and balloons. One family had all ready greeted their cute little return missionary and were all crowed around him hugging, crying, and talking. The other family was anxiously waiting for their man of the hour. And then I realized I had gotten off the bus a little early and was in the wrong terminal. I wasn't mad, how could I be after witnessing such events. I went to the next terminal. Same story taking place there. It was so energizing. I fed off of their excitement and it made my day better.

The airport can be such an interesting place if you let it be. Everyone there has a story. You can witness so many expressions of emotion. There are happy reunions, tear filled goodbyes, lovers, families, people who are grieving, people excitedly waiting for the adventure some place faraway. It can be quite amazing.

As I walked through the airport yesterday I was very attentive to the people around me. I passed one of those young missionaries as he made his way through the airport to greet his family and meet the next adventure that life would soon be unfolding for him. I could sense his excitement. It was SWEET! I couldn't help but feel a little excited for the day that my family would gather in the airport to greet a handsome returned missionary named Cooper and Luka or a beautiful glowing Savannah, Ava or maybe even a Becca! It made my heart beat faster to think that one day I would get to be a part of that.

I saw a handsome man in uniform bidding farewell to his wife and family. Lots of tears. I can't even begin to imagine all the emotions they were feeling that day. Fear, sadness, anxiety.............. Maybe this would be there last farewell or maybe they will have one of those happy reunions one day. Who knows?

It turns out that my flight was leaving out of the same gate me and Sharon left to Hawaii on. I remember the way I felt that day. I was one of those happy travelers waiting to meet their next great adventure. I had a hard time just sitting there waiting for my flight. I think that was one of the most exciting days of my life! I thought of the times that had found me crying waiting for a flight. Like the night I flew to Utah to say goodbye to my Grandmother who's days on earth were numbered. I was sad and scared of the unknown territory I was traveling into. I remembered the excitement I felt the day I flew into Utah just weeks after Ava was born. Katie was waiting for me and was all ready crying by the time we got there. She met her niece for the first time. It was one of those tender moments.

All of the recent life changing events I have been experiencing lately have given me the chance to step back and look at the world. There seems to be never a dull moment. Life never stops. There is always a new adventure waiting for when we least expect it. I am trying to be thankful for even the hard things that I face in life. What am I supposed to learn? How can they make me better, stronger, and maybe even a happier? I am also trying to look at everything in my life that if is beautiful. I am truly blessed! I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who wants me to be happy. He wants me to have joy but that sometimes we have to experience the refiners fire to find that joy. I know it is out there and that I will find it!

Happy Birthday Luka!

What a special day today is! Last year on this day I got a call at 3AM telling me it was time to go have a baby! I jumped out of bed so quickly you would have never guessed it was so early in the morning. It was PURE EXCITEMENT! There is nothing I love more than a newborn baby fresh from heaven. What a beautiful gift of love and sacrifice I was able to witness. The memory of the first time I saw cute little Luka will warm my heart for eternity! There is nothing like the love an auntie has for their nieces and nephews. Luka is such a sweetie and brings so much joy into my life. Just last week I was lucky to get some of the best cuddles from him. He snuggled his cute little face into the side of my neck and stroked my hair. It was so precious! It has been so fun to watch him grow and see his personality blossom. I look forward to watching him grow and loving him more and more every time I see him. I love you little guy!

Wisdom.........

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AVA!

Four years ago today I learned one of the greatest lesson in love a person can every learn. I became the mother to a beautiful girl! She has brought more joy into my life than I could ever have imagine. She is outgoing, friendly, talkative, inquisitive, funny, gives the best cuddles, and loves all the people that make up her family.
Today I also learned one of life's lesson on love. I went the funeral of my dear sweet grandma today. It was overwhelming to be surrounded by all the people who she loved and has received love from in her lifetime. She was an angel who touched the lives of so many people. We all shared many wonderful memories and lessons we have learned from her over the years. I said goodbye and left wanting to be just a little better. I want to be like her: forgiving, cheer full, energetic, optimistic, and most of anything Christ like.

Saturday Night!

What do you do for fun on a Saturday night? Me and Becca are pretty lame so we had a fun little photo shoot in my kitchen. Definitely GOOD TIMES!!!!

One week ago........

Last Friday we had an early birthday celebration for Ava. We had two parties. One with her cute little girlfriends. We went and got there nails painted and then came back home for pink cupcakes, with sprinkles, can't forget the sprinkles. Ava was very adamant that they be there. I take with me when I get pedicures and she has a favorite girl there who always paints her nails. Her name is Tina. Ava will sit and wait while she finishes what she is doing and of course she chats with her the whole time. Tina was ready and waiting for all the girls when we got there. She even had a cute little gift for Ava. It was way cute!






Later that night everyone crowded into my small apartment for dinner, cake and of course presents! It was so much fun. We have truly been blessed with many people to love us! Thanks to Katie for coming early and making the food! Thanks to everyone who came and helped my girl feel so special and loved! It was such a fun day! I am so lucky to be her Mom. It is my source of happiness and fun (well most of the time, sometimes it tries my patience as well!). I splurged this year and bought the cake of cakes! I figured that I have totally flopped with my cake making skills the last two years. On her second birthday she requested cup cakes. My purple frosting looked gray! I was so sad, but laugh at it now, because I know I get at least get points for trying, right? And last year my cake literally made me cry while I was frosting it cause it was not the way I pictured it to be in my mind. Once again points for effort. Before she feel asleep Friday night she looked at me and said "Mom, we have a lot of people who love me, huh?" And she is right about that one!

Ramblings..........

Gotta love the self portrait!


So I went on my third date Tuesday night. It was way fun! Cute boy, good food and good conversation........ What more could a girl ask for? We may be going out tonight again, but there are no definite plans in place. And I have a date with bachelor number 4 tomorrow. My neighbors, Buck and Anna, are setting me up with one of their single friends. We are going to the pie for pizza! Don't know what I am looking forward to most, meeting the guy or the pizza :) My sadness is starting to numb a little bit, but I still don't feel quite "normal" yet. Moving on is helping a little, but it is still the first thing I think of every morning when I wake up. The tears are tapering off........ slowly but shirley things are evening out.

I talked to my cutie pie today. She is sick with a sinus infection, soar throat and slight ear infection. Oh the drama this creates for me with her Dad! I am not looking forward to the phone call I will mostly likely receive tonight lecturing me because she is sick. Everything is always my fault with him. Sucks! The thing is is that I probably won't act very gracefully about it. It might just feel good to tell him what I really think today and then just hang up. I am not one to be messed with these days. I even honked at some one this morning for driving like a jerk. This is a rare occasion, I can probably count on one hand the times I have used my car horn.

On a much lighter note here are just a few samples of the surprises left for my on my computer Monday night. Love you Becca, you always make me smile!

My sweet Grandma.....

At the temple in June


April 2008


Today is a sad day for my family. My dear sweet Grandma passed away in the early hours of the morning. We new her days here with us were numbered. I was planning to go say goodbye after school today. Oh I wish I would have gone last night! My grandma was one of the sweetest people in the world. My life has been greatly blessed by her! I went to Logan with Katie last week to see her. All I could do was just sit there and cry while she held my hand and stroked my hair. She just kept telling me how beautiful I was and how much she loved me. At one point she commented on how dry my hands were and that I should take better care of them. She told me to go get some cream so she could rub it on my hands for me. See, that is what kind of woman she was, always caring for the ones she loved. This summer when I went to the temple, my Grandma walked in wearing the same dress. She excitedly sat down by me and said I am so glad that we are finally twins. It was so cute! I remember thinking at one point while sitting there that that would be the only time I would probably be there with her. I am so thankful to have had that experience with her.

When I was in the fourth grade I did a report about my Grandma Clark. She wrote a brief history of her life for me. Last May I found it while going through some of my old stuff. I will cherish it always! She wrote about how the day she was born how her father was working on the Boulder Dam in Nevada so her mother was staying with her parents. She was born on March 14th when the weather was usually warm but how that year it was snowy and the roads were closed. Her Grandfather pulled her mother in a horse drawn sleigh to the main junction where her uncle Dick met them with the car to drive her mother to the hospital. Soon after that they went to live with her father. Their house was on stilts and she could remember that they had large turtles that lived under the porch and she and her sister, Glenna, would ride them.

She wrote about how her mother said she could swim before she could walk! Now I know I must have inherited my love of the water from my sweet Grandmother. She wrote about marrying my Grandpa and how much she loved being a wife and mother. She loved sports, working in her yard, cooking and quilting. She shared some of her favorite memories of my Dad. How he loved to work with his father and Grandfather. She said my Dad was a great example for the rest of his family, he was a good athlete, dedicated worker, always kept his word, and that he always respected other people. I am so thankful to Grandma and Grandpa for raising my Dad to have all these qualities! They are things that I admire about him and learned from him as well.

A few years ago Katie and I went to a bridal shower for one of my cousins at my Grandma's house. We got there early and my Grandma told me about how she and her cousin snuck out one night and took the car out so she could learn to drive! It was so funny to hear her tell the story and know that once she was doing the same type of things I myself did as a teenager. Just one last thing......... My Grandma has the biggest sweet tooth of anyone I know! I get that from her too, I guess. She would always be prepared with an ice cold pepsi and piece of chocolate from her secret stash. She would grab me a can and then I would wait while she would go to her secret hiding place for her box of Sees chocolates and then I would get to pick ONE, and just one! But she really did know that sometimes that cold pepsi and chocolate could really make you feel a little better. Tomorrow I will stop to get a box of chocolates, and drink a Pepsi in memory of her.

Disneyland!

Yesterday we celebrated Ava’s birthday at the happiest place on earth, Disneyland! We had a blast! Tricia and Lola met us there and we partied all day. Ava requested the teacups for her first ride, followed with all the rest of my favorites, Dumbo, the Carousel, Alice in Wonderland, Pirates….. The list goes on and on! We went to lunch at The Rainforest Café in downtown Disney where Ava was sung Happy Birthday! She later said that was here favorite part. You should have seen the look on her face when all the clapping and singing people showed up to our table! It was priceless. She just beamed the whole time they sang!
I have never seen the firework show at Disney before and it definitely did not disappoint! It was amazing, and I loved every second of it! Fireworks are one of my favorite things, and the music and the princess castle all lit up just made them even better. They had different parts of the show to go along with different Disney movies and attractions; Tinker Bell even flew above the castle! I think that was Ava’s favorite part. My shoulders and neck will probably ache for days from holding her on them during the show. It was such a fun day! I am so glad that I was able to take her.

P.S. Pictures from her party on Friday coming soon...........

Update!

Well, I have been meaning to post for days and days but I just can't seem to muster the energy! I think that after my post last week I took a turn for the worst for a few days. BUT I think that I am coming around the bend so to speak! Yes, I am still sad and aching but I am still moving and have not curled up into the ball. I have had a variety of emotions the last week and a half. It has been quite the roller coaster ride! I am so grateful to the people who have been here for me in so many ways. I can't even begin to tell you about the loving arms I have felt around me, physically and spiritually.

I think I have watched Hope Floats everyday this week! It is the best movie to watch when feeling depressed, at least in my opinion. There are some great words of wisdom in there and the music is great. Here are just a few of my favorite lines:

"Crying over it won't make it clean."
"Go out there and get the stink blown of you!"

I guess that is what you could say I am going to try and do, get the stink of this blown off! I have put my dating profile back online and this time around has been different. I am finding a few people to be quite forward and not wasting anytime with getting to the point. I have gone on two dates! I don't know if I am really ready for this or not but either way I am doing it. Some one told me that sometimes we just have to move on physically and let our emotions catch up. That is exactly what I am doing. Even though I feel broken, I am physically moving past it. Putting on my game face and moving. The first date was all right. Met a guy at Starbucks just to meet and talk. It was good conversation and just that for now. I cried when I got home, but I went and for a minute tried to forget the way I was really feeling

Today was the first day I have not cried in 11 days! I made it the whole day! And I went on my date number 2 and I can actually say that I had fun. Fun that included smiling and a little laughing. Went to a BYU basketball game and then home. I Tomorrow I can promise a much happier post. It is Happy Birthday celebrating at my house since Ava is going to be at her Dad's on the actual day. So tomorrow I will wake up, put on my game face, and create a magical day for my girl!

Before I go just one more quote from Hope Floats. It is the last little part of the movie and I love it and feel like it is just what I am trying to do: Giving hope a chance to float up!

"Mamma always said beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but it is the middle that counts the most. You need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up and it will too."